


Grey World

by ChickenXD



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Family Issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Separations, Slow Romance, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-07 00:48:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 36,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5437250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChickenXD/pseuds/ChickenXD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Isa falls in love with his hot damn doctor and shit goes down.</p><p>“I simply can’t imagine a world without you.<br/>“That day, perhaps it was not you who I tried to save, but myself… but have I really? Did my actions save anyone, at the end?”<br/>"I know you saved me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_This is useless._

Isa Souma was sitting in the hallway of the hospital, reading (pretending to read, actually) a novel – _Sputnik Sweetheart._

The hallway was somewhat busy – there was a nurse and a doctor talking at the end of it, but Isa was sitting too far away to actually hear what they were talking about. A mother just walked out of an examination room with her son, who kept asking if he could get some candy although she had said yes every time. There was an old man and a girl who seemed to be his daughter sitting in front of him, and the old man was looking at him intently, as if examining him.

Isa was mainly pretending to read just so he can avoid the old man’s gaze. Who would know what the old man wanted from him, after all?

But this whole hospital visit was useless. If Is could, he would immediately go outside, call a taxi, and go somewhere else, but he couldn’t. His parents would know if he didn’t show up to this appointment, and they would give him a good scolding, and he would just end up in his room feeling like killing himself.

He still wasn’t doing this for his own good, though – it was merely so his parents could stop bugging him.

He knew exactly what to say to this doctor he would be meeting – he’d rehearsed it in his head many times, and the second he walked into the doctor’s room, he would just recite the speech he prepared.

Isa looked up at the nameplate fixed on the door in front of him –

Doctor Kawara Ryuuji

Neurologist / Neurosurgeon

**  
**  


The door opened fifteen minutes later, and a young woman walked out, followed by a blue-haired man in a white coat.

 _So that’s him,_  Isa thought.  _Kawara Ryuuji._

Ryuuji was a pretty tall man – about 180 cm, perhaps? He looked like someone in his late twenties or early thirties, and had messy blue hair and bright red eyes, although his eyes seemed to always be closed. His face always wore a smile – he looked like a friendly guy.

“Well, Fujiwara-san, I’m glad the medicine is working!” Ryuuji said cheerfully. “If anything arises, don’t hesitate to give me a call, alright?”

“Yes,” the woman said while bowing, “Thank you very much, sensei.”

“I’m always happy to help!”

As she walked down the hallway, the doctor turned to Isa, a big smile on his face.

“Ichijou Utsuro?” he asked as he opened the door wider, “Please come in! Sorry for the wait!”

Isa couldn’t help but be surprised as he walked into the room.

The room wasn’t decorated… accordingly. Isa had expected some pictures of the brain or the nervous system, since Ryuuji is a neurologist, or maybe framed diplomas or awards, but instead the room was decorated with many pictures that looked like drawings of preschool children.

“Your kids drew these?”

“Well, not really,” Ryuuji said as he sat down behind his desk, that was cluttered with stacks of paper and empty mugs. “I don’t have any – I’m not even married!

“There was once this kid who I helped,” Ryuuji said as he took a folder and started looking at what was inside – Isa could only assume that contained his profile. “And his friends were really happy I helped him, so they drew me pictures as thanks. I like having them there – kind of reminds me what I became a doctor for.”

Isa didn’t ask more, and sat down on the chair in front of Ryuuji.

And now, time for the speech he’d prepared –

“Kawara-sensei…”

“So let’s see here,” Ryuuji said – he didn’t seem to notice that Isa was talking. “Your medical records seem fine, nothing that can lead to anything serious… what about your other family members? Do any of them have any serious brain diseases?”

It would be incredibly rude to not answer. “...no.”

“Alright! You said on this questionnaire that you don’t have any concerns about your health, and your records seem to agree with that, so…”

_I’m going to do it._

_Before he says or does anything more, I’ll –_

“This whole thing is just stupid.”

Ryuuji looked up from his paper at Isa, who was now looking down at the floor.

“This whole consultation visit… is stupid. My parents are stupid. I really shouldn’t be here.”

Now that Isa was saying what had been in his mind all along, he felt… somewhat bad for Ryuuji. Ryuuji seemed like someone who cares and was sincerely trying to help, but… this is what he got.

Ryuuji put aside the folder containing Isa’s files, and leaned forward to Isa.

“What do you mean, Utsuro-kun?”

“My parents… are stupid,” Isa said blatantly. “I don’t need a neurologist. What I need is a psychiatrist.”

Isa suddenly felt a strong urge to cry.

 _He must really hate me_ , Isa thought to himself.  _Here I am, taking his time when he could be helping someone else, telling him that everything is useless._

__**  
**  


“I’m sorry,” Isa said, and he could hear the crack in his own voice. “I should’ve just cancelled the appointment to start with.”

“Your parents made you come here, didn’t they?” Ryuuji asked, “Then it’s not your fault, and it’s not theirs either. They probably just misunderstand.”

“No. they are actually idiots!”

Isa stood up, yelling, but he immediately sat down and looked away. Ryuuji seemed surprised at Isa’s sudden outburst, but didn’t say anything.

_I screwed up. He’s going to tell them now, and he’ll hate me for yelling like that._

Isa wanted to apologize, but he couldn’t open his mouth to speak. He tried to, but his voice wouldn’t come out.

Ryuuji was still looking at him, his bright red eyes gentle and patient.

“If you need a psychiatrist instead, I know one,” Ryuuji said. “I can refer you to him, would you like that?”

Isa looked up to Ryuuji, and saw that the doctor was smiling.

“I don’t think he’s here now, though – he said he had something to do and had to leave,” Ryuuji said. “I’m sure he’ll have time tomorrow. Would that be good for you?”

Isa couldn’t help but be surprised by how cooperative and accepting Ryuuji was. Other doctors would probably just be angry and tell him to leave immediately, but – 

Ryuuji looked at him for a while, the smile still on his face, before deciding that he would not get an immediate answer. He took out a notepad, scribbled something on it, and tore it off to give to Isa.

“Well, if you do decide to see him instead, tell me,” Ryuuji said. “I can drop by and say ‘hi’, just to make sure you’re doing fine.”

“Wait, can you…”

The plan was to come see the doctor, tell him that the whole thing is really useless, and ask for some kind of medicine to take home so that his parents can see that he was… making progress.

But with Ryuuji being so nice like this, Isa was almost afraid to ask. Which is strange, because if Ryuuji had been a little more of an asshole, Isa somehow felt that he wouldn’t feel as bad. Perhaps it was he didn't want to give trouble to someone who had been so kind to him.

“Can I do something anything else for you, Utsuro-kun?”

“I… want you to prescribe some kind of medicine for me,” Isa said. “At least if my parents see that I have some medicine, they’ll bug me less.”

“I can’t prescribe anything if we don’t know what the problem is, Utsuro-kun,” Ryuuji said. “If they’re so persistent about you getting some kind of medication, I can explain to them that medicines don’t always work.

“There seems to be a misconception, after all, that psychological problems come from brain problems,” Ryuuji explained with a sigh. “I mean, it is true in cases like Parkinson’s disease or Alzheimer’s, but for depression or PTSD, well, there’s not a lot of physical causes for it. I get this kind of patients a lot, so I’m… somewhat used to explaining.”

 _They won’t listen to you_ , Isa thought.  _In their minds, they’re the only ones who are always right, no matter how wrong their views really are…_

_I… shouldn’t cause him more trouble than I already have._

“...thank you, but that’s not necessary.”

Isa put the note in his pocket, and stood up. Ryuuji stood up too, and walking him to the door.

“I’m sorry I can’t be of much help,” Ryuuji said as he opened the door for Isa – “But if anything arises, don’t hesitate to give me a call, okay? The most I can offer you is probably some emotional support, though.”

Isa looked up at Ryuuji for a second, before he bowed down and walked out of the door.

~•~

_No more patients today._

Ryuuji drank what remained of his milk coffee as he started cleaning the mess that was his desk – he had no idea when or how it got so messy. There were a lot of papers – mostly the patients’ files, some X-ray pictures, and some administrative documents he probably has to sign.

_It's six PM... I should do some groceries. I feel like having some burger today..._

_I wonder if that Utsuro will be okay,_  Ryuuji thought as he put the X-ray pictures in his drawer.  _His parents sound like pretty nasty people, but if I remember correctly, his dad has a pretty high position in the government…_

_Anyway, I should start cleaning these mugs soon. I’m running out of mugs –_

As he cleared some more papers on the desk, he noticed a book lying on the other end of the table – definitely not one of his books, because he never brought any to work.

 _It’s probably Utsuro’s_ , Ryuuji thought as he picked it up –  _Sputnik Sweetheart_ , by Haruki Murakami.

Ryuuji quickly opened the door, trying to find Utsuro again – but he’d vanished from the hallway.

 _...well, I’ll just hold on to it until I see him again,_ Ryuuji thought. _Hopefully soon_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many explanations (such as name disrepancies) will come later but as always!! Utsuro=Isa  
> I know I like to do many implications from books but I've never read Sputnik Sweetheart save for the summary so you know. It may or may not be useful


	2. Chapter 2

Isa looked out of the window as the car drove down the Tokyo highway.

He could see all the other cars lining on the sides, waiting for the red light to turn green. Some of the buildings have started turning on their lights – it was autumn, after all, and the amount of sun they got were getting less and less. Maybe that’s why Isa’s mood had been particularly bad recently.

He took out the paper Ryuuji gave him from his pocket – he’d set an appointment for the day after tomorrow, since the psychiatrist in question was fully booked for tomorrow.

Nishikikouji Tohri – well, hopefully he can be somewhat helpful.

Kawara Ryuuji had been particularly patient and gentle with him, too, despite being told everything was useless and his sudden outburst.

Ryuuji was recommended to his family through his uncle, Ichijou Mino, who had known Ryuuji personally for three years. Even so, Ryuuji had a reputation as being a good doctor, in the sense that he always upholds the principle that a doctor, first and foremost, has a duty to save others’ lives.

Perhaps that was why the children’s pictures were there in his office. Didn’t Ryuuji say it was to remind him why he

_...too bad he won’t be saving me._

_I probably can’t be saved anyway._

~•~

Isa’s official name on the papers was Ichijou Utsuro, but he hated that name.

Perhaps because he hated his family. If his parents were good at anything, it was making him feel like he shouldn’t have ever been born in the first place.

That’s why Isa Souma hated Ichijou Utsuro. Nobody loved him, and nobody ever will.

If only he could go back in time and change everything, he would somehow convince his mother to just abandon the child she had just given birth to, or better yet, never gave birth to him at all.

But still, here he is.

The reality remains, that he is Ichijou Utsuro, the unfortunate child, who will always be empty, who should’ve never existed.

_Isa Souma is different._

_Isa is nice to everyone he knows and he’d always try to befriend everyone._

__

_Isa would have many friends who care about him – they would laugh at his jokes, and cry with him. He would never be lonely, because everyone would love Isa Souma._

__

Isa doesn’t associate himself with the name Ichijou Utsuro, simply because he did not want to be like him.

That’s why, if he had to introduce himself without his identification, and without his parents being there, he would introduce himself as Isa Souma.

Ichijou Utsuro is just an ugly person who should die.

If only there was a way to escape reality and fully become Isa Souma.

 

But today too, he would put on that mask, and pretend to be Ichijou Utsuro.

He would pretend and pretend, until he breaks –

~•~

“I’m home.”

Utsuro walked into the dining room to find that his parents had started eating. His mother looked up to him, with a smile –

“Oh, my! Come on and eat – your food’s getting cold soon.’

Utsuro sat down at the only empty seat left on the long table. His father was focused on reading some papers, so he probably didn’t notice Utsuro walking in.

A maid walked over and served him his food. It was spaghetti with some grilled salmon, smothered in white sauce and topped with some cheese.

It smelt good, but Utsuro didn’t feel like eating. He just wasn’t feeling hungry.

But not eating would make his parents suspicious, so he picked up the fork and started eating anyway.

“How was the doctor? Is he nice?” she quickly inquired, “Did he give you any medicines?”

“He said he’s going to refer me to someone else,” Utsuro replied matter-of-factly. “He said the problem isn’t his department and I should go see a psychiatrist in–”

“That’s bullshit,” his father interjected. “People who claim to have mental illness or whatever are just looking for attention.”

Utsuro could only sigh – here comes the unpleasant part.

“I’ve booked an appointment anyway,” Utsuro said, “I’ll see if it works out first.”

Utsuro’s father glared at him for a second, and then returned to his paperwork.

“By the way,” his mother cut in, trying to break the tension, “I called the university today. They’ve agreed to save you a spot in the law major, so that’s good!”

No, it’s not, Utsuro thought, especially since you did it without asking me or anything.

But Utsuro didn’t say anything. His thoughts and feelings are irrelevant – his parents had always had absolute control over him, and that wasn’t going to change any soon.

They want him to be the perfect marionette they can control, and thus any flaws must be fixed – which is why they decided that he should go to a neurologist, because they expected Ryuuji to somehow “fix” him.

_They can’t just throw this problem at a doctor and expect everything to be fixed._

_I’m a broken marionette to start with._

__

It’s all useless.

~•~

“I’m home!”

Ryuuji put his grocery bags on the floor and took off his shoes as a black cat walked over to him. Ryuuji scooped her up in his arms and petted her head.

One of the cat’s eyes were shut, with a long scar slashing through it.

“You miss me, Hako-chan?”

The cat meowed in response.

“I bought you a new type of food,” Ryuuji said, putting her down on the floor. She waited there, as if expecting him to get out some food for her immediately.

“What did you do all day?” Ryuuji asked as he opened the microwave and put a box of reheatable karaage inside. She meowed in response, and although Ryuuji didn’t speak cat, he could tell what his cat had been doing from the mess in his living room – yarn and colourful balls were scattered all over the floor.

His phone suddenly rang then. He looked at the number, which said “Tohri”.

“Hello?”

“Kawara, I just looked at my schedule,” the voice from the other end said, “You… referred Ichijou Utsuro to me?”

“Well, he asked for a psychiatrist, you see…” Ryuuji set the phone on speaker and put it on the desk. “So I guess, well, you’re gonna be able to treat him better.”

“But still, he’s the son of the prime minister! What if I…”

“Well, you’ll be famous immediately! Isn’t that good for you?”

Ryuuji could hear Tohri sigh from the other end as he put the eggs and ice cream in the fridge.

“I’ll come by to see him, by the way. He left something in my office.”

“Can you at least tell me what his problem is?”

“He seems kind of stressed,” The microwave beeped loudly – “Sorry about that, it’s my dinner! And he seemed to have some problems with his family.”

“Oh, that’s normal,” Tohri said, “I should be able to handle that.”

The black cat walked over to Ryuuji upon smelling the fried chicken.

“Yeah, anyway, if you wanna swing by, he’s coming Wednesday,” Tohri said. “At… wait a minute… three o’clock.”

“I’ll come if there are no patients,” Ryuuji said as he put aside a piece of chicken breast for the cat. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Tohri-kun!”


	3. Chapter 3

Isa found himself sitting in the hospital’s hallway again that Wednesday, only it’s a different hallway.

There was a lot less people in this hallway, strangely. Perhaps a lot of people are just unaware of their own mental problems, or maybe it’s the stigma that made them unwilling to get treatment –

Isa had realized yesterday that he had forgotten his book in the hospital, so he had nothing to kill time with. The best he could do was read one of the trashy magazines left on the table.

He couldn’t help but wonder what Dr. Nishikikouji would be like. I mean, not that he doubted Ryuuji’s credibility in referring doctors, but would Nishikikouji be as patient as Ryuuji? How would he deal with Isa’s outbursts?

One of the doors clicked open, and an old man walked out, his hands being held by a nurse.

“Well, see you next week, doctor,” the old man said, “Thanks for being patient with me.”

“Don’t worry – that’s part of my job, after all.”

Behind them was a young doctor – he (or she?) had long, blonde hair with red highlights, tied into a long ponytail. He seemed younger than Ryuuji, which felt strange, because Isa somehow imagined he would be a lot older than Ryuuji. Probably because “Nishikikouji” sounded like a really fancy name.

The doctor immediately set eyes on Isa, and smiled.

“Ichijou Utsuro, isn’t it?” he asked, “Please, come in!”

**  
  
**

“Kawara told me you asked for a psychiatrist,” Tohri said as they both sat down. “So tell me about it. What do you need me for?”

Isa noticed Tohri was using ‘watashi’ – but still, they are in a formal environment. It’s probably too early to assume...

“It’s just…” Isa sighed – how do you even describe that feel? “It’s just that I’ve been feeling really bad lately.”

Tohri picked up Isa’s file and started flipping through it – unlike Ryuuji’s desk, Tohri’s desk was very clean and organized; all the patient documents were categorized into three boxes, and there was a bunch of pens placed in a yellow jar. Hanging on the wall above the three boxes was a picture of Tohri in a dark blue robe and graduation cap, smiling proudly at the camera.

“About school?”

“About… life in general,” Isa replied, and he noticed Tohri writing something down. “I just graduated high school, so I’m entering college soon.”

“I understand that feeling,” Tohri said with a sigh. “It took me a while to decide my major, too… and when I got into college I changed my major, too.”

“My parents wouldn’t let me choose,” Isa clarified. “They… decided my major for me, without telling me anything or letting me have a say.

“They’re always like that. They think everything I do should be done for their sake, and otherwise I shouldn’t do anything.”

Tohri looked at Isa, the concern apparent in their eyes.

“I’m used to it,” Isa said with a sigh. “I mean, I’ve been doing this for my whole life.”

“Now I know your dad’s a very… influential man,” Tohri said while continuing to jot down notes – “But what you just described to me sounds very wrong.”

“I mean, I’m their son, after all,” Isa said. “So I have to listen to what they say… although sometimes it feels like everything I do is useless.”

“That won’t be good for you later on,” Tohri said, “If they watch and decide your every step, once you get out on the world, you won’t know what to do.”

 _I mean, not like that’s doing me any good now,_ Isa thought.

“So you feel sad all the time, and your familial situation isn’t the best,” Tohri summarized, “Do you have any problems in your daily life? Like sleeping or eating?”

“Sometimes I feel so tired I just want to sleep forever but I can’t even fall asleep,” Isa replied, “And I don’t eat very much recently, I guess – I just don’t feel hungry. I’ve lost a bit of weight because of that.”

Silence fell for a while as Tohri continued to write down notes. Isa looked around the room – Tohri was probably going to give a diagnosis soon, and Isa couldn’t help but be worried.

Even if Tohri can know what it is, will his parents accept that? Or will they just think Isa is being lazy and wants attention?

The door suddenly clicked open.

“Tohri-kun!”

Isa and Tohri immediately turned to look at the door, where Ryuuji had just walked in, carrying a book and some files.

“Kawara,” Tohri greeted with a frown – Isa wanted to call him out for the lack of honorifics, but Ryuuji didn’t seem to mind it at all. “At least tell me if you’re coming…”

“Oh! Utsuro-kun is here too!” Ryuuji took out a few candies out of his pocket, “You want some candy?”

“Um…”

Isa felt it would be impolite to refuse, so he took one with a Hello Kitty face on the wrapping. “Thank you very much, Kawara-sensei.”

“Hey, take some more! They’re really good!” That said, Ryuuji put three more of the same candy in Isa’s hands – “They’re really soft, and it has a strawberry filling!”

“Kawara, didn’t you say you have a surgery?”

“It’s in fifteen minutes, so I have time!” He turned to Tohri, “You want some too, Tohri-kun?”

“I’ll pass,” Tohri refused with a sigh, “If you keep eating so much sweets, Kawara, you’ll have diabetes in like, five years.”

“Here you go!”

Ryuuji put a few on Tohri’s desk anyway, and Tohri could only sigh.

“By the way, you left your book in my office,” Ryuuji said as handed the book to Isa. “So, here you go! Sorry about that!”

Isa took the novel from Ryuuji’s hands and tried to smile.

“It’s… alright,” he said – whether or not he was actually smiling, he didn’t know. “Thank you, Kawara-sensei.”

“Go to your surgery,” Tohri said with a sigh, “Don’t keep your patient waiting. You need to prepare your team and all that stuff, too.”

“Alright, alright…” Ryuuji sighed as he turned for the door – “Time to go back to work, I guess. See you two later!”

“Good luck,” Tohri said as Ryuuji walked out of the room and closed the door.

The door reopened two seconds later, and Ryuuji stuck his head in – “By the way, Utsuro-kun, tell me if Tohri-kun is mean to you, alright?”

“Go away, Kawara.”

Isa nervously gave a nod, “Yes, Kawara-sensei.”

“See you!”

The door closed again, and this time, for good.

Silence fell as Tohri continued with his notes. Isa put the candies in his pocket –

_...funny that it was thanks to my clumsiness that I was able to meet Kawara-sensei again._

_It’s… somewhat nice to have him around._

“Kawara seems to care about you a lot,” Tohri said, “It’s unusual for him to come visit like that.”

 _It’s just the book_ , Isa thought. _Or else he wouldn’t have come._

“You’re thinking he’s just here to give you your book, right?” Tohri guessed confidently, almost as if he was certain he’d be right. “But no. He could’ve just given it to me and he wouldn’t have to come here.”

That’s right, Isa answered in his head, but it’s just the book, and nothing else.

“...have you known Kawara-sensei for a long time?”

“We went to the same college.” Tohri stopped writing, and took out a small booklet. “We were dorm neighbors for a year, so I guess I know him somewhat well.

“Anyway, back to you!” Tohri turned his attention back to Isa – “So far from your description, I think you have depression.”

_I knew it._

“The best way to deal with it is therapy,” Tohri said. “But at this point, you know, we can't be too sure what kind will fit you best. I’ll be the one giving you the therapy, probably with the help of a few nurses.”

“I don’t know if my parents will approve of it,” Isa said – better to be blunt about it now than disappoint Tohri later. “They’re the kind who don’t believe in mental illnesses.”

“Wow, people still think that in 2015?” Tohri shook his head. “Unacceptable.

“If they say that, call me,” he continued, “I’ll drop some knowledge bombs on them.”

“That’ll be difficult, but I guess you can try,” Isa said with a sigh.

“But you know, think about it.” Tohri put the booklet in front of Isa, and a piece of paper. “Here’s an information booklet about the types, so you can start thinking about it."

“...if I have depression, won't you prescribe me drugs or anything?"

Tohri sighed, "Maaaaaybe. Why are you so eager to get drugs anyway? They're not always helpful without therapy."

 _He has a point_ , Isa thought. 

Isa took the booklet and the novel (he didn’t forget this time), and headed for the door. Tohri followed him a few seconds later to open the door for him, but Isa had already opened it.

“Thank you very much, doctor,” Isa said as he bowed down.

“Come again next week, and we'll see if there are any improvements,” Tohri said with a smile. “But you’ll be fine, Ichijou-san.”

 _I hope so_ , Isa thought as he walked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I've... never really been treated by a psychiatrist before (went to one but he didn't really. do much for me??) so if anyone has a better idea of how consultation should work and want to correct my tohri..... that would be much appreciated. Thanks!  
> note about watashi: so "watashi" is the most polite way to say "I" (or there's one more above it. idk) and it's usually used by women or in formal situations (so ryuuji and isa would've used watashi too), and then "boku" is a bit less formal and usually used by men, and "ore" is like. the gangster form like men use it, but it's unacceptable to use for women.


	4. Chapter 4

Isa arrived home to find his father sitting in the living room with a younger, green-haired man. They both noticed Isa walking in, and the green-haired man quickly stood up and walked to him.

“Ohh! It’s Utsuro-kun!”

“Hi, uncle Mino,” Isa greeted as he bowed down. “It’s been a while. How was New York?”

“It’s quite nice, actually. Not as nice as Tokyo, though – too many people,” Mino replied, mussing Isa’s hair playfully. “How have you been? Nii-san said you went to the hospital, what for?”

“Just having a consultation with a psychiatrist,” Isa replied. Upon hearing that, Mino turned to his brother – 

“Didn’t you say you need a brain doctor? That’s why I recommended Kawara-san.”

“Utsuro said it’s not his department,” Utsuro’s father sighed, “Honestly, I expected more of that friend of yours.”

“Or maybe it really isn’t his department,” Mino said as he sat back down. “Come sit here with us, Utsuro-kun! It’s been so long since I last met you!”

Isa sat down next to Mino, on the sofa.

Ichijou Mino was one of the few relatives Isa felt like he could get along with. Mino was the three years younger than his father, Ichijou Kitsugu, and unlike the other family members, he did not enter politics – Isa was sure his father held a grudge against Mino for that, but Mino still came over to their house whenever he was in Japan. Mino became a businessman in the food industry instead, travelling around the world to research and promote his product, so he rarely came by.

“So you’re going to college now, huh?” Mino asked gleefully, “Where are you going again? St. Pigeonation’s? What major?”

“Law,” Kitsugu immediately answered, “We figured that’d be the best for him.”

 _See_ , Isa thought to himself, _I’m not even allowed to say anything, when I’m the one who’s going to college._

“I thought Utsuro-kun’s really good at biology and chemistry?” Mino turned to Utsuro, “What made you decide to…”

“Utsuro,” Kitsugu cut in – it was pretty obvious he didn’t want to discuss this with Mino, since he would most definitely disagree, being the only non-politician in the family. “What did the doctor say?”

“He said I should do some therapy,” Isa explained – it’s probably best to not say too much, since he wasn’t sure how his father would react yet. “I’m going there again next week to consult more about which therapy I should do.”

“Aren’t therapies just meetings where you guys chat?” Kitsugu took a sip of his wine – “Don’t go. That’s a waste of time and money.”

“No, no! Therapies are nice! I went to one, once,” Mino exclaimed. “It was… a sleep therapy of sorts. I was travelling so much then that it screwed up my sleep cycle, and then I went to this therapy for two months, and it helped a lot!”

“This isn’t a sleep therapy, Mino,” Kitsugu sighed, “I don’t think going to the hospital to chat with someone will be of any help. Utsuro is just feeling sad, so I’m sure he’ll be fine without it.”

“But they really aren’t just talking sessions, Nii-san…” Mino turned to Utsuro with a smile, “Anyway! I think you should go to that therapy, and see if it works out!”

“Mino…”

“Well, well, what an interesting conversation!”

Suddenly, Utsuro’s mother appeared at the door, and walked towards Isa. She placed her arms on his shoulder ‘affectionately’ – Isa knew she just wanted to look like a good mother in front of others. She never spoke anything but commands any other time.

“Dinner is ready, if you boys are hungry,” she announced, “How did that consultation go, Utsuro darling?”

_Stop acting like you care._

Isa wanted to scream and slap her hands away, but not here. Not in front of his father and uncle –

“The doctor said I might need therapy,” Isa replied. “So I’ll go back next week and decide if I want to do it.”

“Let him do it, Asuka-san!” Mino quickly asked, “It won’t hurt for him to try, will it?”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” she said as she glanced at her husband, whose disapproval was pretty apparent by now – “Let’s discuss it later, Utsuro darling. Why don’t we all eat first?”

~•~

Isa quickly retreated to his room after dinner – he managed to eat more than half of his portion, so that wasn’t too bad. He’d already asked for the maid to cut down his portion, but somehow he was never able to finish his food.

He got changed into his pajamas, and felt something soft and plasticky in his jeans pocket. He took it out – those were the candies Ryuuji gave him earlier.

 _Kawara-sensei is really nice to me,_ Isa thought. _If only he’s the one taking care of me, that would be nice._

He took his book and sat down on the bed, about to read – and then the door clicked open.

Ichijou Asuka walked in, holding a glass of wine in her hands. This was rather strange, as he expected her to be downstairs to chat with Mino.

_What could this be about?_

“Mother.”

“Hey.” She sat down next to Isa, and then sipped some of the wine. “So you said the new doctor wants you to take therapy?”

“That seems to be the case,” Isa replied – he could feel danger looming in the air. “We don’t know what kind yet, though.”

“I agree with your father that it’s a waste of money and time,” she said, “But then you’ve been in like this for a while – you’re always tired, you don’t seem happy, and we have to fix that. It’s not like we’re torturing you or anything, right?”

Actually, you guys are killing me right now, Isa wanted to say, but he only gave a nod.

“We have to fix this before college starts, which is in about 3 months,” she said. “If you go to college and act like this all the time, people will be inevitably suspicious, and your father might get accused of being awful to you. That would be bad for his reputation – we don't want that, do we?

“So, we want you to try the therapy.”

Isa almost couldn’t believe his ears.

_Didn’t she just say she thinks it’s a waste of time and money?_

_What’s with this change of heart?_

_...no._

_At the end, I’m doing this so that father doesn’t get bad publicity, huh?_

_They really don’t care about me, after all. Everything I do must somehow benefit them._

__

“But.”

_Oh, here comes._

“You’ll have to do it yourself,” she said. “We’ll pay for the therapy, but since your father and I are pretty busy, we can’t take you there.”

_Not like you’re taking me to the doctor visits now…_

“Can you do that?” she asked, “You take the train there and back. Shouldn’t be hard, right?”

“I can do that,” he replied. “I mean, I used to do that before we got a driver.”

“If we decide it doesn’t work, though, you have to stop going there,” she said, “And I don’t want to hear any objections. If we tell you to stop going, you stop.”

“...I understand.”

“Well.” She stood up and headed for the door – “Go do your thing. I’ll go down and chat with the men for a while.”

“Thank you, mother.”

_At least this is a step in the right direction._

_Whether or not it works… I’ll think about it later. I should focus on trying to get better, somehow…_

_...if I can ever get better, that is._

 


	5. Chapter 5

Ryuuji was going to the staff room to get some more coffee when he noticed a familiar figure waiting in the hallway.

It was Ichijou Utsuro, engrossed in a novel – seems like it wasn’t the book Ryuuji had returned to him, as it was much thicker. Ryuuji couldn’t quite make out the cover, since he’d laid it down on his lap.

“Yo, Utsuro-kun!”

Isa quickly looked up to the voice, slightly startled. Ryuuji was suddenly standing in front of him, looking at him with a big smile.

“He… hello, Kawara-sensei.”

“Here to see Tohri-kun again?” He sat down next to Isa, “How’s that treatment going? You’ve been here a few times, yes? Haven’t seen you in quite a while.”

“Yes, this is… my fifth time coming to see him,” Isa replied. “It’s going alright. In fact, I’m going to start therapy in this meeting.”

“Ooh, therapy! Which kind is it?”

“Interpersonal. I’ll be doing that for at least three months.

“What about you, Kawara-sensei?” Isa closed his book, “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“I’m having my coffee break,” Ryuuji said, “I’m going to the staff room to get some. Wanna come along?”

“...but I’m not a member of the staff.”

“Oh, come on, they won’t mind,” Ryuuji said as he took out his phone – he had about 15 minutes before the next patient comes – “When is your meeting with Tohri-kun supposed to start?”

“In about half an hour.”

“It won’t take more than five minutes.” Ryuuji grabbed Isa’s hand as he stood up, “Come on! They also have snacks and stuff!”

Isa had no other choice as Ryuuji dragged Isa out of the hallway –

 

It somehow gave Isa a strange feeling.

He’d never had anyone try to be so close to him. Being touched so suddenly by Ryuuji –

It made his heart stir in a strange, pleasant way.

The staff room was empty except for Isa, Ryuuji, and one other doctor who was looking for something in the fridge.

“Hi, Tosaka-san!”

He closed the fridge and turned to Ryuuji. “Oh, hi, Ryuuji-san…” His gaze turned to Isa, but he only smiled and gave a slight bow with no further comment, so Isa bowed back respectfully.

“Were you looking for something?”

“Yeah, I had a piece of cake here,” he said, “But seems like it’s gone now. I wonder if someone took it…”

“Ooh! Tohri-kun said it was starting to get moldy, so he threw it out.”

Ryuuji placed a plastic cup on the machine, pressed a few buttons, and some brown liquid started flowing into the cup.

“You drink coffee, Utsuro-kun?”

“...not unless I have to. Coffee makes my head hurt.”

Ryuuji removed the cup once the coffee had stopped dispensing, and put another cup in.

“I’ll get you chocolate then,” Ryuuji said – he pressed another button before Isa could say anything. Just a few seconds later, Ryuuji handed him the half-full cup – “Here you go.”

“Thank you so much, Kawara-sensei,” Isa said as he took the cup – “You really didn’t have to do that.”

“Ahh, don’t sweat it, now!” Ryuuji proceeded to open one of the cabinets, and took out a bag of candy – it was the Hello Kitty candy Ryuuji gave him weeks ago. “You want more candy, Utsuro-kun?”

“I’m fine for now, thanks.”

The other doctor – Tosaka, is it? – had now left the room with a can of soda from the vending machine. Isa was somewhat surprised that doctor didn’t bat an eye when he, a normal patient, was in the staff room.

“You’re wondering why he didn’t say anything about me bringing you here, are you?”

Isa turned to Ryuuji, surprised – just how does he know?

“Oh, I actually guessed it right?” Ryuuji scratched his head while smiling sheepishly. “I’ve always been told I’m good at reading people, but I never believed it… maybe it’s somewhat true after all.

“Anyway!” Ryuuji started walking out of the room, with the coffee and the candies, so Isa followed him. “I’m not the only one who does this, you know? Sometimes if someone’s kid visits, they just put their kid here and give them a book or something.”

_But nobody brings a patient who’s totally unrelated to the staff there, right?_

Ryuuji had put him in a rather strange situation indeed, but Isa saw no harm in it, so he decided to just roll with it. He took a sip of the chocolate drink – it was slightly too sweet for Isa’s liking, but it was fine otherwise.

“Well, I have to go back to work now,” Ryuuji said once they were in front of Tohri’s office. “See you around again soon, Utsuro-kun.”

“Thank you very much, Kawara-sensei,” Isa said as he bowed down. “I’ll visit your office next time, too.”

Ryuuji patted Isa’s shoulder, before he turned around to leave. Isa sat back down on his chair and put the cup on the table next to him – 

“...oh, by the way.”

Ryuuji turned around to Isa with a smile.

“You don’t really have to call me ‘Kawara-sensei’, you know,” he said. “I mean, I’m not really your doctor or anything. Just call me Ryuuji.”

...eh?

“I… can’t do that,” Isa quickly said, but as his brain automatically tried to find an explanation for it, he couldn’t find any other than ‘I shouldn’t do that’ – Ryuuji probably wouldn’t find it adequate, though.

_Why is he being so casual with me?_

_All my life, I’ve been taught to always address people respectfully, so that they won’t ask me to fix it to something more respectful, but…_

_But now, Kawara-sensei… wants me to be casual with him._

__

_I want to do what he asks of me, but… but at the same time, it feels wrong._

_What should I do…_

Isa could feel Ryuuji staring at him, waiting for an explanation, but his head just suddenly went blank trying to make one. He still had to make one, so Ryuuji wouldn't think he was being rude or anything, but nothing would come to mind.

“...is it because I’m older than you?”

Ryuuji shrugged as he sipped more of his coffee.

“Yeah… that was a strange request,” Ryuuji said. “Forget about it. See you around!”

~•~

“Where did you get that from?”

Tohri pointed at the cup of chocolate in Isa’s hand as they both took their seats.

“Ah… Kawara-sensei…” The earlier conversation he had with Ryuuji about calling him ‘Ryuuji’ flashed in his mind, urging him to just say ‘Ryuuji’, but he tried his best to not give in. “Kawara-sensei gave it to me.”

Tohri sighed as he took out a clipboard.

“That guy won’t stop asking about you,” Tohri said. “I think he may or may not have taken a special interest in you – what do you think?”

_...Kawara-sensei… took an interest with me?_

_What have I done to deserve that? I only went to consult with him that one time, and I yelled at him, too._

“That’s… unexpected.”

“I agree,” Tohri said as he flipped through some papers – ”but at the same time, he probably saw that you have a lot of problems, and is trying to help.

“You know, he’s a nice guy,” he continued. “I think it’ll be good for you to be friends with him.”

“I… see.”

Isa considered telling Tohri about the conversation, but decided against it. What good would it do for Tohri to know Ryuuji asked him to call him ‘Ryuuji’?

“You write diaries, Ichijou-san?”

Isa cocked his head to the side, confused. “No. Why do you ask?”

“Because I’m going to ask you to write one,” Tohri said. “Not a diary, actually, but more of a journal.”

“I can do that, I guess,” Isa said, “But what for?”

“So today I’m going to give you some instructions about how to deal with other people in a way that does not stress you out, and how to handle your feelings,” Tohri started explaining, “And then you go home, and you apply what I told you. At the end of each day, you write down, as much as you remember, what happened that day, how did you react – did it work? And if it didn’t, how should you have handled it?”

Tohri flashed his million-dollar smile. “Simple enough, isn’t it?”

 _Not really_ , Isa thought – what Tohri had just described sounded like it would take a lot of emotional power, but no pain no gain, right? Maybe it will be helpful for his treatment after all. “I’ll try.”

“Bring it to me every session, alright? Don’t worry, I won’t judge you for what you write. And they don’t have to be long – well, details are always appreciated, but just write as much as you want to.”

_Great, homework during vacation._

“Alright, let’s start with a few questions!” Tohri looked at his list. “Let’s start with your family, since you seem to have problems with them. What about your family interactions make you feel uncomfortable?”

“Quite a lot of things, actually.” Isa sighed – where to even start with this subject?

“Now, your dad is the prime minister, so they must have a lot of expectations for you, yes?”

“Yes, mainly to behave and look good in front of the press, so as to not bring shame or problems for my dad.”

Isa could remember now – there were so many things he couldn’t do, the reason being “That’s not what the son of a minister does.”

“There was one time, in my second year,” Isa started, “My father had just occupied office for a few months then. There’s this thing the student council does every year, where we’d go travel to this big student council meeting…”

He remembered telling his mother about the trip, and how she’d looked him dead in the eye and said “those things are useless.”

“I never went at the end,” he sighed, “My friends said it’s alright, but I… I imagine they must be really disappointed with me.”

“You told me your parents control your every move on the first day you came here – so do you ever decide anything for yourself, or ask for anything?”

“I used to ask for things, but… after a while, I stopped, because I figured they’ll never let me do anything that they didn’t ask me to.”

“Are they expecting you to enter politics as well?”

Isa gave a nod. “That’s why they made me take a law major.”

“If they didn’t make you take law, what would you take instead?”

Isa shrugged – he never quite thought about it, because he knew his parents weren’t going to let him do anything other than law anyway. So why would he hope, if that hope is going to be crushed at the end anyway?

Tohri seemed to sense that Isa would not be giving him any answer.

“Have you ever thought about asking for a different major?”

“They won’t approve of it anyway,” Isa said, “They’ll just say it’s useless.”

“I understand the chance they’ll say yes is astronomically small, but at least that way, you’ll show them that you care about your future, too. If you simply do what they say and don’t voice your opinion, they’ll feel like you’re not thinking for yourself, and thus decide things for you, right?”

_...he’s not wrong about that._

“So let’s try that for now,” Tohri said with a patient smile. “Here are a few things you should keep in mind when requesting something! First…”

~•~

“So next week, when you come back, remember to bring your journal with you, okay?”

Isa nodded as he stood up. Tohri followed him over to the door, and opened it for him.

“Try to apply what I just told you, alright?” Tohri said as Isa walked out, “I understand it’s hard at first, but I’m sure it’ll work out, somehow.

“And by the way, the next time you schedule your appointment, can you do it a bit later? Like, at five o’clock?”

“I can do that,” Isa said, “May I ask what for?”

“One of my patients will also start therapy next week, and they can only come at around this time.” Tohri sighed, “She’s a businesswoman, so it’s kind of hard to fit anything into her schedule.”

“That’s fine by me.” Isa bowed down, and walked out of the room. “Thank you, Dr. Nishikikouji.”

“See you next week!”

Tohri closed the door behind him. He didn’t see his next patient in the hallway, so they’ll probably be running late.

“Anyway!” he whispered to himself excitedly, “This should bring them closer! Step one is a success!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tohri is but a filthy papaisa shipper  
> like me


	6. Chapter 6

I don’t actually know what I should write.

 

Today is the same as always, since school hasn’t started yet. I wake up, eat breakfast, I could finish almost all of it, and then I read my book. Mother went out today to meet her friends. She asked if I want to come along, and I said no. I couldn’t find a good enough reason, though, so she made me go anyway. I ended up sitting there reading my book while they talk about stuff. It was boring. I ate lunch there too, and I finished it. Mother seemed happy that I finished my food for once.

 

We then went to buy some winter clothes. Mother picked out a purple scarf for me – I think it looks pretty good. I didn’t ask for anything because nothing was that interesting.

 

We then went home. I tried to eat dinner, but I still felt really full from lunch, so I ate really little. I made them keep the food for tomorrow. And then I went to my room and read another book.

 

…see, I really have no idea what to write. My life is pretty boring.

 

~•~

 

Ryuuji was nowhere to be seen when Isa returned for his therapy the next week, so Isa simply sat down to read his novel until he was called.

 _He just happened to be passing by that day,_ Isa thought, _And on the other day, he just came to return my book. I don’t see why Nishikijouji-sensei said he has any special interest in me…_

A bit past five o’clock, Isa heard his name – he walked into Tohri's room, carrying his novel and the journal.

 

“Sorry that I don’t have much to write about.”

“No, that’s perfectly okay!” Tohri replied as he opened a red notebook and started reading – Isa had found the notebook in the depths of his drawer, and since it didn’t seem like it would be used once he got to college, he used it for his journal.

Tohri spent about five minutes reading what Isa had written, and then closed the book and returned it to him.

“I see you’re trying to think of things to request,” Tohri said, “But seems like when it comes to actually asking for them, you’re rather… scared? Or confused?”

“A little bit of both,” Isa replied. “I’m scared that my reason isn’t good enough sometimes and that I’d just be rejected, and I end up being confused trying to find a good explanation.”

“We’ll have to work on that,” Tohri said. “But my suggestion is, think of why what you asked would be good for you, or for the person you asked it from.

“Try requesting something from me,” he continued, “It can be anything.”

Isa fell silent – he couldn’t think of anything to ask. He knew Tohri wouldn’t grant it anyway and that it was just practice, but…

He could ask for Tohri to call him “Isa” instead of “Utsuro”, but… that’s probably too strange of a request for now. He should discuss that another day –

The only thing that would come to mind was that one time Ryuuji asked him to call him “Ryuuji”, but that wasn’t his own request.

“What are you thinking about?” Tohri asked, “Confused as to what to request?”

“Yes, and… I just thought of this conversation I had with Kawara-sensei last week,” Isa said – what good is there in hiding it? “He… told me I should just call him “Ryuuji” instead of “Kawara-sensei”.”

Tohri raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “And?”

“And I told him I can’t do that. Think about it, I couldn’t find an explanation for it either, but then he just said it was strange of him to request that and dropped the subject.”

“Did he give you any good reason as to why you address him that way?”

“Yeah. He said I’m not his patient, so I don’t have to be so formal with him.”

“I told you many times that Kawara cares about you a lot, right?” Tohri asked, “Well… now I’m more convinced than ever that he’s trying to get close to you.”

_Kawara-sensei wants to befriend me?_

_That’s strange. People who do that usually have something to gain from that friendship, but… Kawara-sensei won’t get anything from me, right?_

“I don’t even know why, but seems like he’s sincere,” Tohri said. “I guess it’s just his instinct to help others, and you do need help. That’s why you’re here to see me.”

“...that’s right.”

“Kawara has always been like that,” he sighed. “He cares too much about others, and not enough about himself.

“Still, he seems serious about being friends with you,” Tohri said with a smile. “So I think it won’t hurt to befriend him. He’s a nice guy, and since I know him well, he can work with me to help your recovery.

 _Maybe_ , Isa thought.

_This whole thing still sounds kind of weird, but… maybe being friends with Kawara-sensei won’t be too bad, after all._

_I don’t know what mum and dad will think about it, but as long as they don’t find out, it won’t be a problem, right?_

 

~•~

 

Isa was sitting down in front of the pharmacy counter when he spotted a familiar figure walking down the hallway.

It was Ryuuji, drinking from a water bottle, but he was wearing just a red shirt and his blue striped tie – he was holding his doctor coat in his hands.

“Oh, hey, Utsuro-kun!” he called, and then he walked closer to Isa’s chair. “Waiting for your medicine?”

“Ah…” Isa quickly stood up and bowed down deeply. “Hello, Kawara-sensei. I didn’t expect to see you here…”

“My shift just ended,” Ryuuji said with a smile. “You’re waiting for your prescription?”

“Yes. They said it will be out in ten minutes.”

“Well, I’ll go get my stuff in the locker and check myself out,” Ryuuji said, “Do you have someone to pick you up?”

“No, I’m riding the train home.”

“I’ll go with you!” Ryuuji said. “If I’m not back here when your medicine’s out, just wait for me, alright?”

Isa hadn’t had the chance to answer when Ryuuji had dashed off.

 _It probably will be alright,_ Isa thought as he sighed internally. _Although I really don’t need to be walked home…_

 

Ryuuji reappeared on the hallway exactly minutes later, now wearing a brown coat with black fur lining. Looking at him like this, one could hardly tell he’s a doctor – he just looked like a normal pedestrian.

Sometimes Isa wished he can be like that, too. Ever since his father became prime minister, it had been kind of difficult to go anywhere without anyone recognizing him.

“Is your medicine done?”

“Yes.” Isa showed Ryuuji the plastic bag he was holding, “We can go now.”

“Sweet!”

That said, the two of them walked to the exit of the hospital. Ryuuji fished out two candy bars from his pocket, and handed one to Isa.

“I’m fine,” Isa said, “Thank you very much.”

“Well, alright then.” Ryuuji put it back in his pocket before opening his own, “So what kind of meds did Tohri-kun give you?”

“Just an antidepressant and a sleeping pill,” Isa replied. “I have to take the antidepressant twice a day, and the sleeping pill… whenever I like it.”

“You have trouble sleeping?” Ryuuji turned to him, curious. “Is it really bad?”

“Sometimes I just lie on bed and don’t sleep until morning,” Isa replied. “I feel tired, it’s just… my mind won’t go to sleep.”

“Be careful with the sleeping pills, then,” Ryuuji said as he took a bite of his candy bar. “And you know, if you can’t sleep, you’re always welcome to text me.”

“...I don’t have your number, Kawara-sensei.”

“Oh, don’t you?” Ryuuji giggled sheepishly. “Where’s your phone? I’ll type it in for you.”

Isa obediently took out his phone, unlocked it, and gave it to Ryuuji. Ryuuji typed in his number as they waited by a red light, and then handed the phone back to Isa.

“Won’t it be a disturbance if I text you in the middle of the night, though, Kawara-sensei?”

“Hmm… the worst that can happen is I won’t reply,” Ryuuji replied – the sign turned green, and they both walked with the rest of the crowd, crossing the road. “But you know, sometimes I don’t sleep until pretty late in the night doing paperwork, so if you text me up to twelve, I’ll probably still be up.

“Why don’t you call me now, so I have your number as well?”

_...that’s right. How foolish of me to not give him my number as well…_

They got to the other side, so Isa quickly looked up the number Ryuuji had just saved on his phone, and called it –

“Are the last four numbers 8813?”

“Yes… that’s me.”

“Thanks a lot, Utsuro-kun!”

They continued walking down the road – the train station was just around the corner.

Ryuuji remained silent for the whole walk, as he was too busy eating the candy bar. Isa was somehow worried he’d lose Ryuuji in this sea of people, so every five seconds, he’d look around to make sure Ryuuji was still walking next to him – he was pretty easy to spot anyway, since not a lot of people has blue hair.

Until suddenly he felt a hand holding his own – Isa panicked for a second, thinking it was a stranger, but then saw that it was really Ryuuji.

“Come closer,” Ryuuji said, “You’re small, so I can’t really see you among all these people…”

And so they held hands as they walked down the road, blending in with the crowd. What’s so strange about a couple holding hands so to not lose each other in the rush hour crowd, anyway?

“Are you using the Yamanote line, Utsuro-kun?”

“Ah…”

Being called Utsuro somehow made Isa feel really uncomfortable now –

Somehow, he felt like he wanted Ryuuji to know, that right now, he is not “Utsuro”, but “Isa”.

Isa didn’t want Ryuuji to care about the wrong person – simple as that.

_But how do I put it? I mean… asking him to call me something that isn’t my name is really weird, isn’t it?_

_I have to prepare a reason before I ask him._

_Remember what Nishikikouji-sensei said. Be calm and confident, be ready to explain._

_I don’t want to be called “Utsuro”, because that is not me. “Utsuro” is merely a facade for my family, and I hate them. I want to be “Isa” so that I can distance myself from them._

_...how does that sound?_

They were both approaching the station now – there was a big crowd at the entrance, mostly consisting of salarymen and women, and students. Soon they would have to join that crowd and make their way into the station, too.

_Now doesn’t seem to be a good time to talk about it. I’ll say it in the train._

  


“Where are you getting off, then?” They were both inside the station now, and Ryuuji was fishing through his coat pocket for his pass. “I’m getting off at Shibuya.”

“I’m getting off at Ebisu.”

“Oh? I never knew we just live a station away from each other!” Ryuuji smiled sheepishly, “Should I walk you home? I mean, it’s not too far away.”

Isa shook his head, “I’ve walked myself home a few times – I’ll be fine.”

_And I don’t need my parents to suspect you of anything ridiculous when you’re just being really nice to me, either._

_“The Yamanote line train bound for Shinjuku is arriving at platform six.”_

“Ohhh shit!” Ryuuji once again grabbed Isa’s hands as they made their way past the crowd. “Let’s go catch that train, Utsuro-kun!”

“The next one will arrive in less than five minutes anyway…”

That didn’t stop Ryuuji from rushing to platform six. They somehow managed to arrive there in time – people were still boarding the train, so the two of them managed to squeeze in with the crowd just in time – there was another woman behind Isa who managed to get in before the announcement for the doors closing were heard.

There were no more seats available, of course, so Ryuuji and Isa stood by a pole, next to a young man who was playing Love Live on his phone.

“Glad we made it in time!” Ryuuji said – softly, since they were in the train now. Isa gave a nod –

He’d never visited the hospital at this hour before, so he hadn’t experienced the rush hour train crowd for a long time. Having Ryuuji next to him sure felt reassuring, though.

_Oh yes… now might be a good time to talk about that._

“So, Kawara-sensei…”

“Hmm?” Ryuuji turned to him, smiling. “What is it, Utsuro-kun?”

_Alright, I’ve gotten his attention now, but…_

_But… what if he still thinks I’m weird for wanting people to call me by a different name?_

Isa desperately wanted to shift his gaze somewhere, but that was one of the things Tohri had told him not to do –

“When requesting something, look at the person you’re requesting for in the eye,” Tohri had said, “Be confident. Don’t look at the ground or fidget. That makes you seem uncertain about what you ask for.”

Ryuuji was looking at Isa gently, as if trying to say, “Just do it. It’s alright.”

“If possible…” Isa started, “Can you… call me ‘Isa’ from now on?”

Ryuuji seemed slightly confused by the request. “Like… Isa Ichijou?”

“No, like… Isa Souma. But can you call me Isa?”

“Ohhh!” Ryuuji nodded, still smiling. “Like ‘Isa-kun’! Hey, that sounds really cute, actually!”

“Is that… alright with you?” Isa asked carefully, “I just… don’t like it when people call me ‘Utsuro’.”

_It reminds me of how empty I really am inside._

_I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be Ichijou Utsuro, the unfortunate child._

“D… does that mean I’ve been calling you the wrong way this whole time?” Ryuuji scratched the back of his head. “Sorry about that, Isa-kun.”

“That’s alright,” Isa replied. “I think you’re the only one whom I’ve asked to do this. My parents don’t know about this yet, and neither do my teachers and friends.”

“Should I tell Tohri-kun about this, too?”

“I’ll tell him when I think the time is right.”

“Isa-kun… Isa-kun.” Ryuuji repeated the name to himself, trying to commit it to memory. “How did you come up with that name? It’s really cute! What does it mean?”

“I simply got it from a storybook. As for the meaning… I’m not sure myself. I just like how it sounds.”

_But I expected him to ask a lot more questions… like why do I hate the name “Utsuro” and whatnot…_

_Well, I’m still glad he accepts this information readily._

_“The train is arriving at Ebisu station. Passengers who are leaving the train, please –”_

“That’s your stop, isn’t it?” Ryuuji asked, “Be careful on your way home, alright, Isa-kun?”

“Yes, Kawara-sensei.” Isa bowed down respectfully. “See you next week.”

  
  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

“Hey, Isa-kun! This is Ryuuji! It’s been a few days!”

_“I know. You gave me your number, after all.”_

“Speaking of which… I don’t know how to write “Isa” in kanji yet, so I wrote it in hiragana…”

 _“It’s_ 伊佐. _”_

“I see! What are you doing, then, Isa-kun?”

_“Just… reading a book and listening to music. What about you?”_

“I’m playing with my cat! That’s right, you haven’t met her yet!”

_“Your apartment allows cats? I thought not a lot of places do that.”_

“Yeah, they don’t mind! I just had to increase my rent because I didn’t say I was going to have a pet when I signed the contract… Would you like a picture of her?”

_“If you don’t mind.”_

A picture appeared on Isa’s phone a few seconds later – it was of a fluffy black cat, playing with a toy mouse on the carpet.

_“It’s cute.”_

“Yeah, right??”

 

~•~

 

“Who are you texting, Kawara?”

“It’s Isa-kun,” Ryuuji replied. “Oh, um… I mean Utsuro-kun.”

Tohri took out a cigarette and lit it – his job as a doctor forbids him from smoking at work, so he mainly smoked at home or somewhere out of work. He considered himself an okay smoker compared to others, though – he only had a maximum of five cigarettes a day.

Today he’d called Ryuuji out to drink mainly to talk about Utsuro, and here Ryuuji sat, texting the person in interest.

“You’re really invested in him, huh?” Tohri sighed, “I’m glad he took my advice to set his appointments later.”

“Wait… you asked him to do that?”

“Just so you can meet him after your shift ends,” Tohri said with a wink. “I’m just helping a friend, you see!”

Ryuuji stared at Tohri, puzzled, before he realized the “friend” in question was actually…

“That’s so nice of you! You want Isa-kun to be friends with me so I can also help with his treatment?”

 _God_ ! Tohri was screaming internally. _How clueless can this man be?_

“No, Kawara Ryuuji…” Tohri dramatically cleared his throat twice, “I’m helping you! YOU! To be closer with Ichijou Utsuro! You seem to care about him a lot, so I’m doing this!”

“I… care about Isa-kun a lot?”

Ryuuji scratched his chin, “No, I think I care about him as much as I care about my other patients.”

“Well, he’s _my_ patient, not yours,” Tohri corrected, “And when you refer other people to me, you don’t ask how they’re doing five times a week.”

“Do I ask about Isa-kun that much…?”

 _Why am I friends with someone like this?_ “It’s a figure of speech, Kawara!

“Anyway, this Isa person.” Tohri leaned forward, “You already have a pet name for Utsuro?”

“Ah, no, you see…” Ryuuji scratched the back of his head, “He told me to call him Isa instead of Utsuro, because he doesn’t like that name.”

A waiter walked over to their table with food – tempura udon for Tohri, and a piece of blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream on top for Ryuuji, since he’d eaten at home. Tohri quickly doused his cigarette on the ashtray in preparation to eat.

“Oh, god, that looks really good,” Tohri sighed, “Can I try some of the ice cream?”

“Sure.”

Tohri took his spoon and scooped a bit of the ice cream, and put it into his mouth.

“So what did you call me here for, Tohri-kun? To talk about Isa-kun?”

“Yes, sort of,” Tohri replied as he took a little bit more of Ryuuji’s ice cream. “You know, how is it going between you two?”

“Well, it’s fine,” Ryuuji replied. “He’s a perfectly alright kid, I think.”

“He seems to think very… pessimistically,” Tohri said, “Although all the hints that you care about him more than you care about others are there, he still seemed reluctant to accept that fact – and now seems like you, too, have the same problem.”

“Oh, I care about Isa-kun, alright,” Ryuuji corrected quickly, “But you make it sound like I care about him like he’s my lover or something, when all we did really is just walk home together once.”

“And you brought him to the staff room once; that’s why he had that hot chocolate, and you came by my office personally to return his book and gave him candies.”

“But really, it’s not like what you think, Tohri-kun,” Ryuuji sighed. “We’re just casual friends, really.”

“Hmm,” Tohri said as he started eating, “Just friends. Yeah. Totally accurate. I don’t mind.”

They both stopped chatting as they started eating. Tohri made the loudest slurping noises he could make, as is always acceptable here in Japan, while Ryuuji chose to eat quietly.

Not that the pie wasn’t good – what Tohri had said got him thinking, too.

 

_He has a point._

_Isa-kun, too, seemed to start to open up to me. I mean, he told me he’d never told anyone else to call him “Isa”._

_Maybe it’s true after all. Maybe I do think of Isa a bit more than just as a friend… but then, as what? It’s not like we’re dating or anything…_

 

~•~

The therapy sessions were slowly turning into an excuse to meet Ryuuji.

Well, of course Isa still actually did the therapy as well – it just felt like it isn’t the main goal he goes to the hospital anymore. He’d come to the hospital every Thursday to do it, and afterwards meet Ryuuji, who would walk with him to the station and on the train. Sometimes Ryuuji would take him somewhere – to the cake shop, for example, where they’d eat something before going home. Isa always tried to keep these meetings under an hour, though – being a little late to dinner is alright, since he can just say the therapy got long or he had to wait for the train, but if he came home too late, his parents would catch wind of him sneaking out.

It felt somewhat nice to have Ryuuji’s company.

Isa found that his mood was getting better – who knows if it was thanks to Ryuuji or the therapy – but it was a nice change.

Ryuuji always comes out from his office at six. Sometimes, if Isa’s therapy ended slightly later, Ryuuji would wait for him at the main entrance, and if Ryuuji was late, Isa would be the one waiting.

Afterwards they’d walk to the station, and go to the cake store. Isa had learnt now that Ryuuji likes anything that has to do with blueberry or strawberry, and whatever he gets would usually contain either of those two things. He’d eat for a while, while Isa just drank some tea or milkshake, before they get on the train bound for Shinjuku. Usually, by the time Ryuuji was done eating, the rush hour crowd had loosened a bit, so they didn’t have to struggle too much to get into the train.

 

“By the way, have you told Tohri-kun about calling you “Isa”?”

“I did,” Isa replied as he walked with Ryuuji, “Last week. He said you’d told him about it.”

“Yeah… um…” Ryuuji smiled sheepishly. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“It’s alright,” Isa said. “I mean, I was going to tell him anyway.”

This is the third time they met after the therapy sessions now, plus the great deal of texts they send each other almost everyday. The texts were mainly about how their day went – Isa mainly talked about reading and going out with his parents, and Ryuuji talked about his patients (and how annoying some of them are).

“By the way, didn’t you say you have a surgery earlier today?”

“Yeah! It went well,” Ryuuji replied, “It was pretty terrifying, though, because the patient was an old man with some heart problems… but I had a cardiologist help me, so I think he’ll be alright!

“Oh, yeah!” Ryuuji’s face brightened up as he something interesting came to mind. “There’s this festival next Tuesday, Isa-kun! I’m going there with Tohri-kun, so do you want to come along?”

“A festival?”

Isa had forgotten when was the last time he went to one. His parents brought him to shrines sometimes, but they just go there to pray – if there was a festival, they’d skip it and go straight home.

“Yeah! I went there last year too! It has a lot of food and some games, and I think they sell stuff too! Tohri-kun likes going there because the accessories are cheaper!”

“I’m not sure my parents will let me go,” Isa sighed – his parents had to always stand in the way of everything. “I’ll try asking them, but I can’t promise anything right now.”

“It’s alright,” Ryuuji said, “It’s only Thursday anyway. If you know whether you’re going or not, text me, alright?

“Ohh!” They walked past a stall, and Ryuuji stopped to look closer at it. “Is this a new shop? I’ve never seen it before!”

“H… hello!” A girl nervously greeted them, “Welcome to Hana Tea Bar!”

“Seems like they sell tapioca, too,” Isa said, reading off the menu board above her head, “Do you like those, Kawara-sensei?”

“Tapioca… are they the small black balls?” Ryuuji sighed, “Anyway! Let’s give it a try! Which one do you want?”

“You don’t need to…”

~•~

Ryuuji ended up buying two glasses anyway – he got himself strawberry milk tea, and chocolate milk tea for Isa.

“What’s that?” Utsuro’s mother asked, pointing at the glass of tea, “Did you get it at the station?”

“Yeah,” Isa replied as he sat down at the dining table, “I saw that a new shop just opened, so I thought I’d try it out.”

“Those stuff aren’t really healthy, are they?” she asked, “They have a lot of sugar and we don’t know what else they put in there… it’s okay to buy it every once in a while, but not too often, okay?”

 _Well, those artificial, low fat sweeteners are just as bad,_ Isa thought. _You’re just too focused on trying to stay ‘healthy’ although you’re basically feeding yourself chemicals instead of the real stuff._

“By the way,” his father cut in, “I thought you should know that we’re both leaving for America tomorrow. We'll be back next week.”

_...America?_

“Is it for business?”

“Yeah, something about a climate change meeting,” he replied as he continued eating. “Your mum’s going there with me. Sorry we can’t take you along, though.”

 _That’s perfectly fine,_ Isa thought. _I can’t imagine being stuck in a hotel with the two of you for a week.”_

“You’ll be alright by yourself at home, yes?” Utsuro’s mother asked, “The driver will be here if you need to go anywhere, and you can always get the maid to buy groceries for you in case you run out of anything.”

“I’ll be fine, mother,” Isa replied. “I mean, I’m going to be in college soon – of course I can take care of myself for a week.”

“That’s good to hear,” she said. “Well, we’re counting on you, Utsuro.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so Isa (in hiragana) is like いさ  
> and since hiragana is the most commonly used form of... text (kanji is hard but names usually use kanji, katakana is mostly for like, foreign names, like names in shingeki are all spelled with katakana) I think ryuuji would've written it in hiragana.


	8. Chapter 8

_ “Kawara-sensei, are you awake?” _

“Isa-kun! It’s already eleven! You should be asleep! Why are you still texting?”

_ “I’m sorry. I was watching a movie.” _

“Nononono don’t be sorry! I was just kidding, hee hee~ What movie is it?”

_ “Grey’s Anatomy. They were doing a surgery this episode – it’s pretty interesting. You should watch it too, Kawara-sensei.” _

“When I have time, I will… all these patient files sure are taking me forever…”

_ “By the way, seems like I’ll be able to come to the festival.” _

“Ohh! That’s good!!! It will be fun to go with you and Tohri-kun! I’m glad!”

Isa decided to not tell Ryuuji that one of the main reasons he could go was because his parents won’t be home, since it might deter Ryuuji’s plans. 

_ “So will I need to wear a yukata?” _

“Well, it’s not in the rules, but most of the people there will be in yukatas, so I guess you should wear one? Wow, I can’t wait to see you in one! You’ll be so cute!”

~•~

Isa felt inexplicably nervous during the days leading to the summer festival. 

He’d gone through his wardrobe to find his yukata collection – his parents always bought him one every year, although he hardly had any chance to actually wear it. The events his parents made him attend usually require him to wear suits instead, so the yukatas usually just sit in his wardrobe all year long. Some of them don’t even fit him anymore now, and he didn’t remember wearing them. 

He looked at his options – there was the one they bought last year, that was purple and had fish patterns around the bottom part, and a red one, with some golden lines as a pattern. The red one was probably too stiff-looking for an event like this… Isa put it back in his wardrobe. 

_ Now that I think about it… this is kind of like Kawara-sensei is asking me out on a date, isn’t it? I mean, he didn’t mention that there will be other patients.. _

_ …no, it can’t be.  _

_ Nishikikouji-sensei is going with us, too, so… I’m sure he just considers me as a somewhat closer friend. It’s not a date or anything.  _

_ I still have to make sure he doesn’t regret inviting me, though. I have to be on my best behaviour – _

 

_ Is it strange that I’m getting strangely excited for something as normal as going to the festival? All my friends probably go every year, but I’m going for the first time in years… _

_...or is it because Kawara-sensei will be there, and I’m nervous to go out with him? _

 

~•~

Tuesday arrived anyway, whether Isa had wanted it to or not.

Isa put on the purple yukata and tied the obi – looking at the mirror, the yukata perfectly fits his slim, small body. 

_I’m… actually quite nervous. Am I wearing something too flashy? Or is it not good enough?_ _  
_ _Should I even go…? What if Kawara-sensei just invited me as a joke? What if I end up embarrassing myself?_

Isa snapped out of his thoughts as he heard his phone ring behind him. It was a text from Ryuuji –

“Isa-kun, I’m waiting at the Ebisu station now! Text me when you arrive, okay?”

_ Oh no, he’s here…  _

_ There’s no getting out of this now, is there? _

When Isa arrived at the station fifteen minutes later, he was greeted by the sight of Ryuuji sitting in front of a convenience store, eating a chocolate bar. Ryuuji was wearing a wine red yukata with a black haori – 

If there was a way for Isa to describe how Ryuuji looked like, it would be… stunning. 

He looked no less like a model in a fashion magazine – Isa couldn’t help but stare. He almost couldn’t believe that this is the same Ryuuji who always walked him home from the hospital...

_ I never knew Kawara-sensei can look this… sexy. _

“Oh, Isa-kun!” 

Ryuuji walked towards Isa with his friendly big smile. Isa decided to save the  dirty  thoughts for later, and walked towards Ryuuji, trying his best to smile. 

“Thanks for coming all the way here to pick me up, Kawara-sensei.”

“That’s no big deal!” Ryuuji looked down at Isa, examining him – “Wow, you look really cute in a yukata, Isa-kun!”

“...thank you. You too.” 

_ And you look really good in it, too. _

“Well, alright then!” Ryuuji took Isa’s hand in his as they walked away – “Tohri-kun is going to the shrine himself, so let’s not keep him waiting!”

“Is it far from here?”

“Kind of,” Ryuuji replied, “It’s about half an hour from here. You don’t mind going that far, right?”

Isa shook his head, “That’s alright.”

“And by the way, what time do you want to go home?” Ryuuji asked while breaking half of what was left of his chocolate, “Did your parents set any curfews?”

_...maybe now is a good time to tell him my parents are away.  _

“They’re not in Japan right now,” Isa said. “So I don’t think they’ll mind me not coming home for a day.”

“I can’t do that, though, as much as I’d like to,” Ryuuji sighed, and Isa’s heart leaped upon hearing the latter part of the sentence – 

_ He’d… like to keep me for a night?  _

_ Oh no… what is he planning to do with me? I’m not sure I’m ready… _

“I’ll take you home whenever I go home… probably around nine or something,” Ryuuji said as he handed the chocolate to Isa. “Take some, Isa-kun! I can’t finish all of it myself, after all. You’re not allergic to nuts, are you? This one has almonds.”

~•~

The shrine the festival was held at was pretty big – Isa didn’t recognize it as one he had visited with his parents before, though. 

There were various stalls set around in front of the shrine, and it was starting to get packed with people. It was seven PM now, after all – some people were probably coming here fresh off work. Ryuuji was right about most of the attendees being in yukatas – only a small percentage were wearing normal clothes. 

“Tohri-kun said he’s looking at some hair accessories near the torii,” Ryuuji announced as he read a text from Tohri. “Should we go find him first, or are you hungry, Isa-kun?”

“It’s up to you, Kawara-sensei,” Isa replied. “I’ll just follow along.”

“Well, in that case, let’s go buy some charms,” Ryuuji suggested, “I need to return mine from last year and get a new one.”

_...charms, is it? _

Isa was never very fond of superstition – his parents always got him one for studies every year, around the New Year’s, but he never thought it had helped him in any way. 

It is just a piece of paper with some stuff written on it in a cloth bag, after all – Isa couldn’t comprehend why everyone else would believe something like that holds special powers. 

“Why do you believe in charms, Kawara-sensei?” Isa asked, “Have they helped you in any concrete way?”

“Well, that’s a difficult question…” Ryuuji scratched the back of his head. “I had one when I was taking my entrance exam, and I passed with flying colours! And now, the one I have is for good luck, and well, I’ve been lucky since!”

“I think you would’ve done well on the exam even without the charm, since you’re so smart,” Isa said, “As for good luck… there isn’t a standard for what a ‘good’ and ‘bad’ luck is, right?”

“Wow, you’re a very logical person, Isa-kun!” Ryuuji smiled sheepishly. 

“But life isn’t just like that, you know?” he continued, “Logic is important and all, but there are things that not even logic can explain.”

Isa couldn’t deny the truth of those words. He is a living example of that, after all. 

He’d always been told since he was a child that he was such a lucky boy, for having been born into the rich and influential Ichijou family, for being so smart and good-looking, for having the life everyone would have wanted – 

And yet Isa didn’t feel that way. 

Ichijou Utsuro lived up to his name – despite how good everything seemed for him, he was just empty inside. A sad, unfortunate child. 

Under the facade of a seemingly perfect life, lies the ugly truth. 

Isn’t that the reason Isa was undergoing treatment for depression now?

“Isa-kun.”

Isa turned to Ryuuji, who was now looking at him solemnly. Seems like he’d noticed Isa’s sadness –

“Don’t think too much about what I said, alright?” he said with a smile, “You’re free to believe whatever you want.”

Isa gave a nod, and Ryuuji mussed his hair lovingly.

“Sorry,” Isa sighed, “It’s just that I…”

“Don’t apologize!” Ryuuji cut, “You didn’t do anything wrong, Isa-kun!”

“But I…”

“Oooh! You smell that?” Ryuuji stopped walking and looked at the stalls around them – seems like the smell came from a takoyaki stall. 

“That smells so good! Let’s get some takoyaki!”

That said, Ryuuji dragged Isa towards the takoyaki stall – the previous topic was quickly forgotten. 

A black-haired lady wearing a pink mask was busy pouring batter onto the smoking pans, while a blonde young man behind her was busy putting the garnish on the finished takoyaki. The banner above his head read, “Blaster Takoyaki!!”

“Excuse me, sir!” the lady shouted as she noticed Ryuuji and Isa were reading the menu board, “What would you two like?”

“Two special takoyakis please!” Ryuuji shouted back – the crowd around them was quite noisy.  

“Hey, Rabu!” she shouted to her friend, “Two special coming up!”

“Wa, wait, Azami, there are too many orders!”

“He’ll get you your food in a minute,” she said while flipping some takoyakis, “Thanks for your purchase!”

They walked away to get into the line in front of the man, and Isa looked around the stalls. There was a tea stall, a dango stall, and a big candy stall…

Isa couldn’t help but wonder what his mum would say about the food sold in this festival. She’d probably say they’re really unhealthy and all that.

“Well, let’s eat as we walk to the shrine, then,” Ryuuji said, “You want anything else, Isa-kun?”

“No, it’s alright…”

“I think I’m going to buy some cotton candy.” Ryuuji pointed at the candy stall, “Do you want one too, or should we just share? Those look too big for me.”

“We can just share. I don’t eat a lot of sweets anyway…”

“Ooh! Those yakitori over there look really good too! Should we try that one?”

 

They only continued walking to the shrine after Ryuuji ‘surveyed’ four other stalls in the area. He always bought two of everything, too, except the cotton candy – so by now, they had two packs of takoyaki, yakitori and popcorn, two glasses of iced tea, and a cotton candy. Isa felt somewhat bad that Ryuuji had forbid him from paying for any of the food, but Ryuuji was the older one, so it was done under good reason.

The sky was starting to get dark now, and the streets seemed to get more and more packed as the night progressed. 

Ryuuji held Isa’s hands tightly as they walked, as if afraid Isa might get swept away in the crowd. 

Not that Isa was bothered by the intimacy – it felt somewhat nice, having someone take care of him like this. 

They arrived at the shrine at last, where they were greeted by a priest and a couple of shrine maidens. There were quite a lot of people there, looking at the various charms – mostly students who want to buy one for their academic success and old people who wants the blessing of health. 

“Well, which one do you want, Isa-kun?” Ryuuji asked as he took one – a yellow charm for good luck. 

“I have one at home, for academic success,” Isa replied. “So I don’t really need another one.”

“I’ll get one for you,” Ryuuji said as he took another one, this time for happiness – “So that Isa-kun won’t be sad anymore!”

“That’s unnecessary…”

“It’s alright! I know you’re already undergoing treatment, but hopefully, with this charm, it’ll work better!”

_ That doesn’t make sense at all _ , Isa thought. 

_ But since Kawara-sensei bought it for me with good intentions… I guess it won’t hurt to keep it around.  _

Ryuuji paid for the charms to a priest, and handed back his old one. He gave Isa the “happiness” charm with a smile –

“Here, Isa-kun! Keep it in your pencil case or something, alright!”

“Thank you, Kawara-sensei,” he said as he took it, “But… you really didn’t have to. Having you around is good enough for me.”

Isa froze for a second upon realizing what he’d just said – he could see that Ryuuji was startled, too. 

_ …why… did I say something like that?  _

_ That’s… that’s so embarrassing and awkward! And unnecessary! What’s Kawara-sensei going to think of me now… _

Isa could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks, and he swore he could’ve cried from the embarrassment. Ryuuji cleared his throat nervously as he looked around – he was blushing, too. 

“Well…” Ryuuji smiled at Isa, his face still bright red, “I’m… glad you enjoy my company, Isa-kun.”

Isa decided to not say anything, so as to not embarrass himself again. 

“Kawara! Isa!”

They turned to the voice, and saw Tohri walking towards them, holding a few plastic bags in his hands and a can of what Isa believed is beer. 

“What took you two so long to come here?” Tohri inquired, “Did you guys eat yet?”

“Yeah! You want some popcorn, Tohri-kun?” 

“I’ve had some, thanks,” Tohri said before chugging down some more of his beer, “You guys should go find a place to sit. The fireworks will be starting soon.”

“Really?” Ryuuji took out his phone to look at the time – it was almost eight o’clock. “You’re right! Let’s find a quiet place to sit together and eat!”

“Nah, I’m good. I met some old friends, so I’ll go with them,” Tohri said as he leaned down to Ryuuji –

“Now’s your chance, Kawara!” Tohri whispered loudly, “Go enjoy some quality time together! Who knows if an opportunity like this will come again!”

“Ehh? Tohri-kun? What do you…”

“You two go on your own.” Tohri quickly turned to leave, giggling. “See you tomorrow, Kawara, and see you Thursday, Isa.”

Ryuuji was still confused, but waved his hand anyway. “Bye, Tohri-kun!”

“See you, Dr. Nishikikouji.”

That said, Isa and Ryuuji were once again left alone. Ryuuji turned to Isa with a smile, once again taking Isa’s hand in his. 

“Let’s go find somewhere to sit and eat, then!” Ryuuji suggested, “We’ll go home after the show – how does that sound?”

“Sounds alright to me.”

 

They found a spot in under a tree behind the shrine.

The sky was dark and clear – Isa could see some of the stars and the crescent moon in the sky. 

“Here’s your yakitori and popcorn, Isa-kun,” Ryuuji said as he handed the packages to Isa. “The takoyaki we had was really good, wasn’t it? I should get one to take home…”

Isa gave a nod as he bit into his chicken. It had cooled down a bit, since they walked around for quite a while, but still crispy. 

“So you’re going to college soon, right, Isa-kun?”

Isa gave a nod, “In three weeks.”

“That’s nice.”

“I’ll still come to the hospital, since the therapy isn’t done,” Isa said, “But I’ll probably come at a different schedule.”

“Will you be living in the dorm?”

“My parents don’t want me to, so I’ll live with them.”

“Yeah, that’s probably easier for them, too.”

They were both silent after that. Isa was busy eating, while Ryuuji looked up at the sky, waiting for the fireworks. 

 

“I have something to tell you, Isa-kun.”

Isa turned to look at Ryuuji, “Yes, sensei?”

“I think I’m in love with you.”

 

A long silence fell after that. 

Ryuuji turned to Isa, searching for a reaction, but found that Isa was staring at the ground, silent. 

“Isa-kun?”

“What makes you believe you’re in love with me?”

Isa turned to look Ryuuji in the eye.

“Tell me, Kawara-sensei, what is love?”

“I don’t know,” Ryuuji sighed, “I mean… love is just something you feel, you know? There’s no definition for it, just like how there’s no definition for happiness and sadness. 

“But everytime I look at you, Isa-kun, I… get this feeling,” he continued, “That I really want to always stay with you and protect you.”

Ryuuji sighed, “It all just sounds really strange, huh?”

“Not at all,” Isa replied. “I was just thinking, my parents always say they love me, but I don’t feel that they do. They say they love me and want nothing but the best for me, but… they’re doing me more harm than good, aren’t they?

“But I don’t feel that way about you, Kawara-sensei.” Isa took a deep breath, “I always feel happy when I see you. And if possible, I want to always be with you, and…”

“Isa.”

Ryuuji inched closer, and took Isa’s hand. Isa quickly turned to look at him –

“I… love you too, Kawara-sensei,” Isa muttered, “Let’s stay like this forever.”

 

Ryuuji leaned over and gently placed a kiss on Isa’s lips. Ryuuji’s lips felt so warm and soft –

He pulled away a few seconds later, but Isa cupped his cheeks and tried kissing him again. 

“Wait, Isa –”

Isa kissed him now, rough and hungry, as if trying to devour Ryuuji. 

Isa was pretty much out of breath when he pulled away. Ryuuji smiled and mussed Isa’s hair lovingly.

“You’re so lovely, Isa,” Ryuuji whispered. “So precious.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (what happened after that chicken)   
> ryuuji takes isa home of course, duh  
> (and after that?)   
> *sips tea* well


	9. Chapter 9

If possible, I don’t want Nishikikouji-sensei to read this, but I’ll write it anyway. 

Today I went to the festival with Kawara-sensei. It was fun – we ate a lot and watched the fireworks. He’s too kind… he always insisted to pay for everything when he really didn’t have to. 

He gave me a charm, too. One for ‘happiness’... it’d be really lovely if it can work, but it’s just a piece of paper in a bag. I don’t understand why people love superstition so much. 

And he...told me that he loved me. 

And kissed me. Like. On the lips.

...

It made me feel… I can’t really explain it, but it was really strange. Like something swelling in my chest. 

He seemed sincere, anyway, and I… have probably been feeling that way, about him, too. I don’t know. 

But it would probably be nice if things can continue like this… for a while, perhaps. I mean, I don’t think mum and dad would approve of this relationship… he is much older than me and all that. 

He just texted me again. “Good night, Isa-kun! Sleep well! I love you!” 

He’s such a nice person. Do I even deserve to be loved by someone like that?

~•~

Tohri put down the diary once he finished reading, and turned to Isa, his eyes on fire. 

_ Oh no, _ Isa thought,  _ He read that part, didn’t he. _

“I don’t know how to feel right now,” Tohri said, “I mean… I’m glad you guys are actually doing something, but at the same time –”

“I’m sorry…”

“At the same time he has to realize! That you are still too young for this!”

_ Not really, _ Isa thought.  _ I will be eighteen this year. _

“Well, anyway!” Tohri cleared his throat dramatically, “I guess I should give you some love advice, how do you think?”

“I would appreciate it more if you can talk more about Kawara-sensei.”

_ After all, despite all our meetings and texts, I… haven’t really asked him much about himself.  _

_ He doesn’t need to know much about me – I mean, he probably knows more than he needs to from TV and all that… _

“Ah, yeah, he’s not the type to talk much about himself,” Tohri sighed. “I guess he’s just… not proud? Anyway, what do you want to know about him?”

“I… don’t know,” Isa replied. “What should…”

“No, think of something,” Tohri cut, “Don’t let others – or in this case, me – dictate what you know or don’t know. Think about what you want to know about Kawara, and ask me.”

“But I really don’t know what to ask,” Isa sighed, “Like… things like where did he come from?”

“He came from Hokkaido… somewhere. I forgot,” Tohri replied. “He told me he’ll never go back there anyway.”

“Why is that?”

“Well, you see, he no longer has any family there,” he continued, “His mum died when he was in high school, and his dad died during his third year in college. He told me then he’d go back to pay his respects, and never go there ever again.”

“Does he hate his family or anything?” 

_ Like me? _

“Who knows,” Tohri sighed, “He seems to think pretty highly of his parents. I think it’s just his way of coping. You know… some people are like that.”

Isa looked at Tohri, still confused. 

“Let me put it this way,” Tohri began, “Let’s say some guy broke up with his lover, and he was really sad about it. He’d probably avoid going to places he went to with his lover because he doesn’t want to remember the… good or bad times he had with his lover. Or if you remember the Fukushima nuclear leakage – someone who used to live there would probably avoid going to the reactor so they don’t remember the suffering the incident caused them.”

“So it’s like… coping by avoiding memories of pain.”

“That’s a good way to put it,” Tohri said. “And that’s a very acceptable way to do it, don’t you think? I mean, if you can just avoid the cause, you don’t have to remember the pain all over again."

  
  


“By the way, Kawara has an emergency surgery just now, and he’s not going to be done soon, so he told me to tell you he’s sorry he can’t go home with you.”

“...I understand. Thank you, Nishikikouji-sensei.”

~•~

Going home alone without Ryuuji felt strange, although Isa had done it before. He couldn’t help but be surprised at how much he’d grown used to Ryuuji’s presence – 

It was raining outside, but not to worry, since he always carried an umbrella in his bag. He hurried to the train station, trying to shelter from the rain – 

_ Mother and father are coming home today… they should be home by now.  _

_ It’s been nice without them at home, but… I guess I must continue to be Utsuro, for a little while.  _

 

When he arrived home, his parents were there, as he’d expected – they were in the living room, busy discussing something.

“Hello, mother, father,” Isa greeted as he walked in. “How was the trip?”

They both turned to look at him, and he could immediately tell from their faces something had gone wrong. 

_ What is it now? Is it about their trip, or is it about me? _

“Sit down, Utsuro,” Utsuro’s mother invited with a smile, “We need to talk about something.”

He sat down on one of the empty seats while glancing at Utsuro’s father – he was reading some papers, and his expression was dark – 

Isa learnt a long time ago that that expression meant he was in big trouble, the kind that would be punished by being locked in the closet for an hour.

“So,” she began, her voice calm, “Won’t you tell me about this man you’re meeting?”

_...what? _

_ Kawara-sensei? Wait, but how –  _

“I don’t understand what you –”

“Don’t play dumb,” Utsuro’s father suddenly interjected. “So all this therapy has really been an excuse to meet him, right?”

“Father, that’s not true!”

He threw the papers he’d been reading on the table – 

Isa could see a picture of him and Ryuuji, standing on the platform, chatting. 

_ How?  _

_ Who could’ve gotten that picture? A journalist? _

“That’s not the only picture we got!” Utsuro’s father said, half yelling now – ”What’s his name? And why are you meeting him?”

“It’s not what you think, father,” Isa replied, trembling. “We… we just happened to meet on our way home, and – ”

“You’re not answering my question!” Utsuro’s father was screaming now. “What’s his name?”

“He…”

 

_ No. _

_ I can’t tell him… about Kawara-sensei. He’d certainly be angry at him, too.  _

_ I don’t want father to do anything to Kawara-sensei. He… didn’t do anything wrong. He just wanted to be close to me. He’s just someone who loves me.  _

_ I knew it. I knew something like this would happen if he got involved with me... _

_ But still, he doesn’t deserve father’s wrath.  _

 

“I can’t tell you.”

Isa stood up now, glaring at Utsuro’s father. 

_ This is probably a disastrous decision, but I can’t let him get to Kawara-sensei.  _

“He… didn’t do anything wrong,” Isa argued, “He’s just… he’s just a friend I meet with sometimes! What’s so wrong about that?”

The argument earned him nothing but a slap on the cheek. 

Utsuro’s father had slapped him so hard he fell on the floor, and the pain wouldn’t subside even after a few minutes. As Isa slowly sat up, he could taste something warm and salty in his mouth – must’ve been blood. 

“Kitsugu! Why did you…”

“You dare talk back to me now?” 

Utsuro’s father grabbed Isa’s hair and yanked it, tilting his head back. Isa could see Utsuro’s mother looking away, saying nothing. Even if she had said, something, it wouldn’t help the situation.

“Tell me his name,” Utsuro’s father demanded, still yelling. 

“Even if I don’t tell you, you’ll find out eventually,” Isa muttered weakly. “If I tell you his name now, you’re just… going to kill him or something.”

“Kitsugu, stop this.” Isa heard Utsuro’s mother say – “We can talk about this peacefully. Please.”

Isa could see Utsuro’s father think to himself for a while – and then a few seconds later he released his grip from Isa’s hair. 

Isa swallowed some of the blood that had flowed into his mouth, but the taste was still there. He’d probably need to get some medicine for that.

“You’re never meeting this man again, whoever he is,” Utsuro’s father hissed. “And don’t ever think about going to that therapy again.”

“But father –”

“I don’t care if you’re actually doing it or not,” he continued. “You’re grounded from now until school starts again.”

 

Usually this is the part where Utsuro would nod, and then quietly go upstairs, into his room. He would then ask in about a week or two about the possibility of not being grounded, which was usually refused –

 

But this time, something inside Isa was screaming – asking him to get up. 

Telling him,  _ this isn’t right. _

“I can’t stand this anymore.”

 

Isa stood up, supporting himself on the chair – his face still hurt, and his head was spinning. 

“Fuck you,” he said, “I’m not going to sit down and just accept everything you’re going to do to me. I’m not… I’m not a doll you can just order around. I am my own person, and I’m going to have control over my own life.”

_ I am Isa Souma. Not Ichijou Utsuro – _

_ Not your fucking puppet.  _

_ I will live as I want, and choose my own life.  _

 

That said, Isa grabbed his bag, and ran out as fast as he could. 

Where to, he didn’t know. 

He knew his parents wouldn’t care enough to go after him anyway. 

_ But I have to go, or else I’m going insane.  _

 

“Utsuro!”

Ichijou Kitsugu grabbed his wife’s arm as she tried to go after Utsuro. 

“Leave him be,” he said. “He’ll be back.”

“You still shouldn’t have done that,” she sighed, “You really hurt him! If we’d asked nicely, he might explain more about that man, and…”

“That man is just trying to use Utsuro,” Kitsugu said as he gathered up the papers he’d thrown – “When I find him, I’ll kill him.”

_ Utsuro can’t be left on his own. Since when does he have control over his own life? _

_ I have to show that brat who’s in control.  _

 

~•~

Isa ran and ran aimlessly, with nothing but his feet to guide him. Wherever his feet went, there he went. 

Rain was still pouring from the night sky – in fact, it only seemed to rain heavier by every minute. 

How long had he been running now? Fifteen minutes? An hour? Two hours? 

He stopped running by a vending machine, looked around to make sure there was nobody was following him, and took out his phone. It read 8:30 – he must’ve been running for at least an hour and a half. He was soaked from head to toe now – he’d left the umbrella on the front porch to dry, and thus didn’t have it with him. 

He now looked around him – everything was dark and foreign. 

He could see an office building in front of him, but it was empty – the broken windows made Isa think it was probably abandoned to start with. There were no other buildings, and it seemed like nobody was there or lived there. He didn’t see any police boxes nor stations nor street signs –

_ Wait, no. I can’t go to the police, because they’ll most definitely take me home.  _

He took out his wallet – he had about 5000 yen in cash, some spare coins, his train pass, and his credit card –

_...I can’t use my card either. That means giving away my location.  _

_ I can probably survive on 5000 yen for a few days, but that’s a temporary solution.  _

_ I should go to an internet cafe for now, just to find a place to sleep. I can figure out dinner after that.  _

Suddenly, he could hear soft footsteps in the rain. Isa considered running away, but that person would definitely hear his footsteps and see him moving, so he might get chased –

_ Who is this? Is this person just passing by, or… are they going to attack me? _

The shadow walking towards him was that of an adult, holding an umbrella. Isa couldn’t make out their face in this darkness –

So he stood there, waiting.

_ Please, let it be a casual passerby. I have nothing to defend myself with… _

Isa suddenly felt a strong urge to cry. 

_ This is miserable _ .

_ I thought by running away from home I’d be free from father, and now… and now some stranger is going to kill me.  _

_ It’s probably better for me to die here, rather than living on as a puppet to be controlled by others.  _

_...but if I die here, Kawara-sensei…  _

_ I wonder if he’d be sad that I’m no longer here… or happy that I, a nuisance, is gone... _

  
  
  


“Isa-kun?”

Ryuuji walked closer to Isa, so that his umbrella could cover both of them.  

Isa was standing in front of a vending machine – Ryuuji couldn’t see his face as he was looking down, but could hear him sobbing. He was wet and shivering from the rain –

“Isa-kun, what’s wrong?”

“...Kawara-sensei?”

Isa slowly looked up at Ryuuji, his eyes wet from tears and rain. 

“You forgot your umbrella?” Ryuuji asked immediately, “It’s pretty late, too. Why are you here, Isa-kun? This is pretty much in the middle of nowhere –”

Isa suddenly lunged at him, and hugged Ryuuji tightly. Ryuuji dropped his umbrella in surprise – 

“Isa-kun?” 

“Kawara-sensei,” he whimpered. “Kawara-sensei, please help me.”

“What’s wrong, Isa-kun?” Ryuuji asked, running his hand through Isa’s hair, but Isa only buried his head deeper into Ryuuji’s chest. 

“Please help me,” Isa sobbed. “Take me away…”


	10. Chapter 10

“I’m back, Hako-chan!”

Ryuuji and Isa walked in, both soaking wet – Ryuuji had spun the umbrella to dry it off a little before taking off his shoes and stepping into the apartment. 

The black cat immediately woke up upon hearing the door click open. She ran over to her master and hopped up into his arms, but quickly hopped back down when she found his clothes were wet and cold. She looked, instead, at the brown-haired young man her master had brought home. 

“This is Isa-kun,” Ryuuji introduced, “He’ll be staying with us tonight. Be nice to him, alright?”

The cat meowed once, and then left to continue playing with her toys. It was unusual for her master to bring home a guest, but whatever. 

“You should go shower, Isa-kun,” Ryuuji said as he pointed to a door, next to the fridge. “I’ll find something for you to get changed into in the meantime, alright?”

Isa gave a nod. Ryuuji walked into his room, trying to find Isa some clothes, as he’d promised. 

Isa noticed that the cat was staring at him while playing with a fish-shaped toy – it was as if the cat was examining him, trying to figure out why he’d ended up in her territory –

The cat meowed once, and then went back to playing. 

~•~

“Did you run away from home?”

Isa gave a nod. 

They were in the station – Isa had tried to persuade Ryuuji to not go there, since that was where the picture of them was taken, but Isa had wound up running pretty far that there wasn’t really any other way for them to return to Ryuuji’s apartment. 

Strangely enough, Ryuuji didn’t ask much, so Isa didn’t explain much either. 

It was after they got into the train that Ryuuji asked, “Do you have anywhere to stay at?”

Isa shook his head. 

“You can stay at my apartment,” Ryuuji offered, “It’s not much, but… it’s better than nothing, right?”

 

“...how did you find me?”

“Oh? Well, Tohri-kun told you I had an emergency surgery, yes?”

Isa gave a nod. 

“So I got out of work at around eight,” Ryuuji explained, “And then as I was walking home, I saw you running through the crowd, and I thought, ‘What is Isa-kun running away from?’

“There was a group of journalists trying to follow you, but I saw them give up because you were running too fast.”

_ I knew it _ , Isa thought,  _ so all this time, I was followed. They must be the ones who took the pictures… _

“So I decided to follow you,” Ryuuji finished. “And… yeah.”

“Sorry,” Isa muttered. “I’m causing you trouble, am I not?”

“That’s alright!” Ryuuji paused, catching his mistake – “Well, actually not really, since you’re running away from home, but you’re not causing me trouble at all!”

_ I will be _ , Isa thought,  _ When father tracks you down, you’ll pretty much be everyone’s enemy. _

_ But for now… let’s hope something like that won’t happen. _

~•~

Isa had just taken off his shirt when Ryuuji walked in with a towel and a set of clothes. 

“I hope this somewhat fits you,” Ryuuji said as he placed them on the sink. “I really can’t find anything smaller, sorry about that!”

“That’s fine.”

It was a white shirt, with the words ‘Pudding the Universe’ written on it. 

“Have you eaten anything, Isa-kun?”

“...no, not really,” Isa replied, “But that’s alright. I’m not hungry.”

“That’s not good, Isa-kun! You have to eat, or you’ll become sick!”

Ryuuji laughed as he walked out of the bathroom – “I’ll try cooking for us. Hopefully it won’t be too horrible!”

 

Ryuuji heard his phone ring as he closed the bathroom door. 

It was Tohri. Ryuuji had texted him earlier, telling him a bit about the situation, and now he’d have to explain a little more. 

“Hello?”

“Okay,” Tohri began, “So Isa is going to stay at your house for tonight.”

“Yeah,” Ryuuji replied matter-of-factly. “I know you prescribed him some things – are they something I can prescribe to him?”

“I think so,” Tohri replied. “I’ll take a picture of it later, but it really is just normal antidepressants and a sleeping pill.

“Wait, that aside, what are you going to do with him after tonight?”

“My best,” Ryuuji replied as he opened his fridge – there were some beer and snacks, leftovers, eggs, broccoli, and some chicken breast in the freezer. 

_ I can fry that chicken – I still have panko, _ Ryuuji thought as he took it out along with the broccoli,  _ I’ll just steam some broccoli.  _

“Are you going to tell him to go home?”

_ Wait, did I cook rice this morning? _

He checked the rice cooker and found that it was empty, so he quickly dumped in half a cup of rice and some water and turned it on. 

“I don’t know,” Ryuuji sighed. “Things seem kind of messy right now – maybe in a few days, I’ll know.”

Tohri was silent for a while, and then Ryuuji could hear him sigh from the other side. 

“Fine. I’m counting on you, Kawara.”

Tohri hung up, so Ryuuji turned his attention back to cooking dinner. He set some water boiling for the broccoli, and then put the chicken in the microwave to defrost it. Once that was done, he got out a skillet and poured some oil – 

The cat walked towards him and hopped onto the table, attracted by the smell of food. “Yes, I’ll feed you in a minute,” Ryuuji told the cat as he took out a pack of panko, poured them into a bowl, and covered the chicken with it before throwing them into the oil. 

By the time Isa walked out, Ryuuji had finished frying the chickens, and was busy putting them on the plate. 

The clothes Ryuuji had given him was alright – the sleeves ended at his elbow instead of his upper arm and the shorts were slightly too long, but they were dry and warm, so at least there was that. 

“Kawara-sensei,” Isa called, “I’m done with the shower. Thank you very much.”

“Ooh!” Ryuuji turned to Isa with a smile. “Well, the food’s almost done. I think the rice isn’t really done yet, so we have to wait for that. Did you blow your hair?”

Isa gave a nod. 

Seeing Ryuuji cook for him somehow warmed Isa’s heart in a strange way. Perhaps he was just happy that he was so cared for now – back at home, his mother wouldn’t go through all the trouble to cook and just make someone do it for her.

“You should shower too, Kawara-sensei,” Isa said. “You’ll catch a cold.”

“Alright! Just one second…” Ryuuji placed the plate of chicken on the table and smiled, satisfied with his cooking skills. 

“Okay, so…” Ryuuji pointed at the rice cooker – “Once the rice cooker beeps, just scoop out some for yourself. Bowls are there.” Ryuuji pointed at the cupboard above the microwave – “And for the broccoli, once you see steam coming out of the pot, just turn it off and put it on a plate.” Ryuuji pointed at the stove. 

Isa gave a nod. 

“Well, I’ll go shower now,” Ryuuji said before disappearing into his room, and walking back out with some of his own clothes into the bathroom. 

 

The rice cooker was the first one to beep, so Isa took out two bowls and scooped some rice into both of them. Next was the broccoli – he strained the vegetables and put them on another plate. 

By the time Isa was done with this, he noticed the cat was eating one of the fried chicken – the cat looked up to him, meowed once, and continued eating. 

Isa decided to wait for Ryuuji to get out of the shower first – it just felt impolite to start eating before Ryuuji. Isa sat down and pet the cat’s head – he noticed now the long scar through her right eye. 

“What happened to it?”

The cat, of course, knows nothing about human language, so she just purred in response. 

Isa turned to look around, at the pictures hung around the walls.

There was a picture of Ryuuji, Tohri, and a few other people, posing in their graduation robes in front of a bird statue. That seemed like the most recent picture out of them all –

Another picture was that of a much younger Ryuuji (elementary school, maybe?), sitting with an older man and an older woman – seems like it was an old family picture. 

“Sorry that took a while!”

Ryuuji walked out of the bathroom, still buttoning up his shirt. He noticed that Isa was staring at some of the pictures –

“You haven’t started eating yet? What are you looking at, Isa-kun?”

“Oh, nothing. Just…” Isa turned to Ryuuji, “Just… you have some nice pictures.”

“They’re pretty old,” Ryuuji sighed as he sat down. “I have a few more in my room if you’d like to see them later.

“Anyway, let’s eat now!”

“Itadakimasu.”

 

Both of them mostly ate in silence. Ryuuji would occasionally pet the cat’s head – once she was done with her food, she hopped away to continue playing. 

“What happened to its eye, sensei?”

“Oh, Hako-chan’s been like that since I found her,” Ryuuji replied. “The vet said it’s no big deal, since she seemed used to seeing with just an eye.”

_ He found this cat?  _ “You didn’t buy her from the pet store?”

“No, I found her abandoned in a box on the streets…” Ryuuji paused, trying to remember, “Was it last year or two years ago, Hako-chan?”

The cat didn’t reply – she was too busy with her fish toy. 

“Anyway, that’s why I named her Hako-chan,” Ryuuji said with a smile. “You want some more sweets, Isa-kun?”

“No, but thank you.”

Isa had finished his food – perhaps all that running in the rain did make him feel somewhat hungry after all. But for now, he felt pretty full. 

“I’d offer you beer, but you’re not really old enough yet,” Ryuuji sighed. “I need to go to the pharmacy in a second to get the meds Tohri-kun prescribed you – shouldn’t take more than fifteen minutes.”

Isa gave a nod. 

“You can just go to bed if you want. Don’t worry about the dishes – I’ll put them in the dishwasher later.” Ryuuji said as he stood up – “Feel free to use my bed. Or you can watch the TV, or read a book. You know – make yourself at home.”

“Thank you very much, Kawara-sensei,” Isa thanked, “I’m sorry I’ve caused you trouble…”

“Don’t worry about it, Isa-kun.” 

Ryuuji mussed Isa’s hair lovingly, and kissed him on the forehead. 

“It’s always good to have you around, after all.”

They eyes lock for a few seconds – Isa wished Ryuuji could just stay with him, but it was important to get the medicines too, and…

“I’m off.” Ryuuji was the first to break the silence. “I’ll be back really, really soon.”

“Be careful on the way, sensei.”

 

Isa did the dishes anyway, although he noticed Ryuuji had something akin to a dishwasher. Isa was just trying to be a good guest, after all. 

The rain had subsided a little, or at least it sounded like it had. He decided to not watch TV since it’d probably be full of news of him missing, and went into Ryuuji’s room instead. 

The bedroom was somewhat messy – there were some clothes strewn around and random papers everywhere. He gathered up the papers and placed them on the desk next to the bed, and put the clothes back into the wardrobe. 

Ryuuji’s wardrobe was much smaller than his, and contained much less clothes – Isa could spot the kimono he wore the other day, and some normal day clothes. Next to the clothes were some books – medical books, and novels. 

Isa took one of them –  _ 1984 _ – sat down on one of the dining chairs, and started reading.

 

Ryuuji really did return fifteen minutes later, with a bag of prescription and a bag of other stuff. 

“Here are your medicines, Isa-kun!” he announced as he placed them on the table, “And I bought us some ice cream! I got chocolate flavour for you!”

Isa looked up at Ryuuji as he put down his book, “Thank you, Kawara-sensei.”

“Oh, you did the dishes? Thanks a lot, Isa-kun!”

Ryuuji sat down and opened his cup of ice cream – it was strawberry flavoured. 

“That book is good,” Ryuuji commented, “I read it for an assignment, but I really liked it, so I kept it.”

“It’s about an oppressive government.”

“Yeah! And it’s pretty interesting to think about! How much is too much obedience? How does authority play a role in our lives, and is it always right?”

_ Well, I wonder _ , Isa thought. 

_ After all, right now, I am running away from the biggest authority in my life.  _

_ Will it do me more harm than good – will I find myself being so dependent on that authority that I can’t live without it? _

_ That’s… a scary thought.  _

 

Isa opened his cup of ice cream, and started eating. 

“I’m going to do a bit of paperwork after this,” Ryuuji announced, “And then I’ll go to bed. Actually, you can use the bed – I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“No, I’ll sleep on the –”

“Shhhh, it’s fine, Isa-kun. I always sleep on the couch when Tohri-kun stays over.”

_ Can’t both of us sleep on the bed?  _ Isa wanted to ask, but decided that it was a weird question. Who is he to ask that Ryuuji to sleep with him, after all?

 

_ Think about it, despite all this… _

_ Kawara-sensei hasn’t asked me why I ran away from home or anything related to it. _

 

“Kawara-sensei…”

“Why haven’t I asked you anything about running away from home?”

Isa looked away – Ryuuji had somehow managed to read his mind again. 

“It’s fine,” Ryuuji said, “I just thought you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

Isa fell silent for a while. 

 

_ If possible, I don’t want to talk about it either. _

_ But Kawara-sensei is involved in this, and… it would be awful of me to keep him in the dark. He might be in danger if father tracks him down, after all – _

_...I got him into all this trouble, when all he really wanted… is to be friends with me.  _

_ This is why I can’t have good things. They’d just ruin it for me every time… _

“I’m sorry.”

Isa looked down at the floor – he found himself unable to look Ryuuji in the eye.

“You’ve been trying to help me so much,” Isa said, “And all I’ve ever done for you is cause you trouble.”

Ryuuji remained silent, waiting for Isa to continue. 

“My parents, they… found out.” Isa tried to keep his voice steady – ”Someone took a picture of us in the station it must’ve been those journalists whom you said were following me, My father was really angry, and he told me to stop meeting you and stop the therapy, but I don’t want to do that.  

“When I’m with you, Kawara-sensei, I feel like… I feel like I have a choice of who I want to be.”

 

_ Because it is Isa Souma whom he loved.  _

_ Not Ichijou Utsuro. Not someone who just exists to be controlled by others, but someone who can truly live the life they choose.  _

 

“You have the right to hate me, sensei,” he said – he could hear his voice tremble. “After all, I’ve put you in an unfavorable situation.”

 

_ But I don’t want you to hate me.  _

_ You’re the only person I ever felt to have genuinely love me, and it would be horrible if it ends like this. _

 

“If my father manages to track you down, he’ll make everyone believe you’re bad,” Isa went on like a broken radio, saying everything that came to mind – ”He’ll say you kidnapped me or persuaded me to run away from home. And everyone will believe him, because he’s the prime minister. He’ll make your life really miserable, and all of this…”

“Isa.”

Ryuuji held Isa tightly in his arms. Isa was crying now, unable to speak anymore.

“Everything will be alright, Isa.”

“All of this…  just because… just because you’re kind to me,” Isa sobbed, “I… If only I never met you… maybe everything would’ve been better for you...”

“What are you talking about, Isa?” Ryuuji asked, placing a kiss on Isa’s cheek. “I’m really happy I met you, you know? So don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Isa was still sobbing as Ryuuji ran his hand down Isa’s back, trying to calm him down.

“I’ll always be here, Isa. Don’t worry about me.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Kawara-sensei,” he sobbed, “I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to go back to being Utsuro…”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry shitscram everyone. when you receive your mail be careful that it is not a roasted sakazaki yuuya inside. in fact don't open any mail/packages from iwamine shuu just call the police   
> (also i'm going to use this chance to ask everyone how my isa is..... characterization wise...... is he too like dependent or anything? thank...)


	11. Chapter 11

“I’m sorry, Kawara-sensei,” Isa muttered softly, his voice still coarse. 

Isa had cried for at least an hour before Ryuuji could calm him down enough to convince him to go to bed. It was a bit past ten now – Isa was lying on Ryuuji’s bed, still holding Ryuuji’s hand tightly. 

“It’s alright, Isa-kun,” Ryuuji told him, as he kissed Isa’s hand. “I’ll get you your medicines, okay? You can sleep after you drink them.”

That said, Ryuuji walked out, filled a glass with water and took the medicines he just bought, and walked back in. 

“Here,” he put them on the desk next to the bed, and Isa sat up to take the medicines. Isa then stared at something behind Ryuuji – he turned around, and saw his cat following him. 

“Seems like Hako-chan knows you’re sad, too,” Ryuuji said as he placed her on the bed – the cat sat down on Isa’s lap and looked up at him. 

“You guys can play for a while,” Ryuuji said, “But you can’t sleep here, Hako-chan. You’ll get the fur everywhere, and it’ll be a pain to clean.”

The cat meowed once, as if saying, “I know.”

“I’ll get my paperwork,” Ryuuji said as he once again walked out of the room –

– he shut the door behind him, and sighed. 

 

_ I really don’t know how to feel.  _

_ I’m angry, and yet I’m also sad and scared. It’s ridiculous.  _

_ Isa-kun was right about his father finding me and doing some nasty things to me. That is an undeniable probability.  _

_ And yet… I’m angry towards him, too.  _

_ He shouldn’t have made Isa sad like that – just what kind of father does that shit? No wonder Isa-kun is so uncomfortable with him.  _

_ If Isa-kun doesn’t want to go home, then I’m not going to make him. Seems like things will only get worse if he does, anyway.  _

_ At least by keeping him here, I can keep him safe for a while.  _

_ Who knows how long this can last. Sadly, it can’t last forever, although I’d like it to... _

Ryuuji sat down on the bed while turning on his laptop, watching Isa play with his cat. It was mostly Isa petting the cat as it meowed every once in a while. 

No angry texts or calls from Tohri yet, so so far so good. 

“You said you’re going to sleep on the couch,” Isa said, “But can you… stay here with me, at least till I fall asleep?”

“I don’t mind,” Ryuuji replied as mussed Isa’s hair. “Do you wanna go to the hospital tomorrow?”

“...I don’t know,” Isa sighed, “I mean… I’d like to tell Nishikikouji-sensei what’s happening, but there might be people who wants me to go home there.”

“We can call Tohri-kun right now,” Ryuuji offered, “Knowing him, he’s probably just returned home from a party or something.”

“It’s fine.” 

Isa wrapped his arm around Ryuuji’s arm, and snuggled closer to him. This somehow reminded Ryuuji of the days when he first got his cat…

No big deal, though, since Ryuuji could still move his hands to type. He pulled up the patient files he was supposed to fill out for the surgery earlier – 

“You really have a lot of patients, don’t you, Kawara-sensei?”

“Well… maybe,” Ryuuji replied. “I mean, neurology isn’t really a department that gets a lot of patients, but once you get a patient, they stay with you for quite a while.”

“That’s nice,” Isa sighed – his voice contained a tone of admiration that made Ryuuji’s heart stir when he heard it. 

 

Isa was silent after that – he mainly sat there watching Ryuuji fill out some paperwork. The cat had already hopped off and gone to continue playing or probably to sleep as well. 

By the time Ryuuji was finished, he found that Isa was fast asleep, still holding his arm. 

Ryuuji had planned on sleeping on the couch that night, but with Isa sleeping on his arm like this…

Ryuuji thought about waking Isa so he could get out of bed, but Isa looked like he was sleeping soundly and peacefully – after the whirlwind of events that day, Isa deserved a good rest. 

Ryuuji first carefully took off Isa’s glasses, folded them, and put them on the desk, next to his his laptop, then tried to lie down along with Isa. He was successful, although Isa ended up lying down in a strange, curved position that didn’t leave Ryuuji much space on the bed. Ryuuji proceeded to pull the blanket up to their shoulders, and then turned off the bedside lamp. 

He could hear Isa’s calm, regular breathing in the dark, could feel his warmth against his body –

Ryuuji realized then, that this was the first time in a very long time that he had someone sleep on the same bed with him. 

It felt warm and somehow comfortable. He couldn’t help but remember when he used to sleep like this with his parents…

Since when did he get used to the cold, lonely nights? 

Ryuuji held Isa closer, pressing their bodies together, and buried his face in Isa’s hair – Isa smelt of soap and rain and tears. Ryuuji inhaled as much of it as he could, trying to carve it into his memory –

_ I don’t want to let him go. _

_ If only I can keep Isa forever… _

 

Ryuuji was woken up the next morning by his alarm. 

Isa was no longer next to him – Ryuuji was worried at first, but then he heard Isa’s voice coming from outside, calling the cat to not chew on her bed.

It was seven-thirty, as Ryuuji had always set his clock – that usually gave him about fifteen minutes to shower, get changed, and feed his cat, then go to the cafe at the ground floor to buy some coffee and donuts, then catch the train to the hospital and arrive there at about eight-forty. 

But today Isa was here, and Ryuuji somehow felt uneasy with the idea of leaving him alone at home. 

_ Should I call in sick? _

_...no, I have an important surgery planning today. Can’t miss that.  _

Isa walked into the room a few seconds later, a glass of water in hand. 

“Morning, Isa-kun,” Ryuuji greeted with a sleepy smile. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you.”

Isa sat down next to Ryuuji on the bed and gave him the water. Ryuuji emptied the glass in a gulp, then turned and gave Isa a kiss on the cheek. 

“What time did you wake up, Isa darling?”

Isa could feel his heart skip a beat upon hearing Ryuuji call him ‘darling’ – it was the first time someone had sincerely called him that way – even when his parents called him ‘darling’, it was all just for show. 

“Ah… at about an hour ago?” Isa replied nervously. “I… made breakfast… for us.”

“You didn’t have to,” Ryuuji said, followed by a yawn – he then got out of bed, followed by Isa. 

“What do you usually eat in the morning, sensei?” Isa asked, “I didn’t see any breakfast foods, so I just made omurice with eggs and some of the leftovers you have.”

“I usually go to Torimi Cafe and buy a donut and coffee,” Ryuuji explained. “The owner knows me really well by now – well, he’s a nice old man.

“This looks so good!” Ryuuji complimented as he sat down to eat. Isa sat down too, at the same spot he occupied last night, and seeing that Ryuuji liked his cooking somehow warmed his heart.

“You cook a lot at home, Isa-kun?”

“Well… not really,” Isa replied – his parents had hired maids to do that, after all – “I just like watching cooking shows, and kind of learnt to cook that way.”

“Tastes really good, too!” Ryuuji complimented as he took a bite. “You’d do great as a chef!”

“Thank you.”

_ Well, my parents wouldn’t let me take any other career paths other than as a politician, though… _

“I see you filled Hako-chan’s bowl too,” Ryuuji remarked, “Thanks a lot for that.”

“I filled it with the food in the blue bag…”

“It doesn’t really matter which one – she likes everything I feed her.”

 

Isa finished half of his food, and then looked down at the ground. 

This morning, as he woke up, he found that his mum had called him thirteen times throughout the night –

They can’t find him for now, but they are looking for him, and eventually, they’ll find him. 

He hadn’t looked at the news on the TV or internet yet – the thought that his parents might be using everything in their power to find him sent a chill down his spine. 

He is “Ichijou Utsuro”, and the world will always know him as that. 

Breaking the role would mean defying the whole world and everything he knew –

– except for Kawara Ryuuji. 

 

_ I don’t want to go home.  _

_ But if I stay here, it’ll just be a matter of time till they find me. And if they find me here with Kawara-sensei, it can mean serious trouble for him... _

 

“Kawara-sensei.”

Ryuuji could tell from Isa’s suddenly sad expression that he was going to talk about something serious. 

“Yes, Isa-kun?”

“I’m grateful that you’ve helped me until now,” Isa muttered, “But I can’t stay here.”

 

_ Why? _

“Isa-kun, do you mean you’re going home?”

_ I can’t allow that. I can’t allow anyone to hurt Isa.  _

_ I’m going to protect him as far as I can go.  _

 

“I don’t know,” Isa sighed. “I eventually will have to go home, but…”

“Does this have to do with others finding out you’re here with me?”

Isa gave a nod. 

 

_ So I don’t have to send Isa back into that hellhole.  _

_ If I can hide him somewhere where nobody can find him – _

_ Will that be alright?  _

  
  
  
  
  



	12. Chapter 12

 

Isa looked at the wooden sign next to the small brick house –

 

“Hatoful House”

 

_ So this is where I’ll be hiding for the meantime _ , Isa thought. 

It was a humble house that probably would fit a small family of four – when Ryuuji told Isa they were going to an orphanage, Isa had expected something like a church, but this seemed fine. 

“Uzune-kun!” Ryuuji shouted as he knocked the door – “Are you home?”

They could hear footsteps coming from inside, so Ryuuji stopped knocking and waited. 

Seconds later, a green-haired boy opened the door. His eyes immediately lit up upon seeing Ryuuji –

“Good morning, Kawara-sensei,” he greeted as he bowed down respectfully. 

“Ohh, Nageki-kun!” Ryuuji gently mussed his hair, “How have you been?”

“I’ve been alright, thank you,” Nageki replied as he glanced at Isa –

Nageki wasn’t very tall – he was skinny, but his big, orange eyes, were bright. 

“Hello,” Isa quickly bowed down. “My name is…”

“Ichijou Utsuro.”

Isa froze upon hearing Nageki say that name. 

“They were talking about you on TV just now,” Nageki said with a sigh. “I never expected someone like you to show up in a place like –”

“Kawara-sensei!”

Three other kids appeared from behind Nageki, and ran towards Ryuuji excitedly. One girl quickly hugged Ryuuji’s legs, almost making him fall back. 

“Hoppe, be nice,” Nageki said with a sigh. 

“It’s been a while, Kawara-sensei!” she called excitedly. “Are you here to play with us? Yes? Please?”

Ryuuji let out a hearty laugh as he lifted her up. “I’d like to, but I have to get to work soon. When does school start for you, Hoppe-chan?”

“In two weeks!” she replied, “But Nageki’s school starts next week, and Hitori starts working again next week too!”

Isa noticed that one of the boys was now staring at him intently, as if trying to use some X-ray powers to see through him. 

“I’ll go get Hitori,” Nageki said as he walked back in, “He’s probably still asleep… I’ll check. Get some tea for Kawara-sensei, Hoppe.”

“No, no, you don’t need to,” Ryuuji said, “I won’t take long.”

 

Five minutes later, both Isa and Ryuuji were seated inside, with all the kids sitting around them. 

“So that one’s Hoppe-chan,” Ryuuji introduced as he pointed at the girl he lifted earlier, “She’s in… fourth grade, yeah?”

“Yes! I’ll be in fourth grade!”

“And then that’s Kanta-kun,” he pointed at a boy sitting on a wheelchair – his left leg was missing, “And that’s Pyonpyon-kun.” he pointed at another boy with messy hair. “Kanta’s in fifth grade, and Pyonpyon’s in fourth grade. And then…”

“How did you know them, Kawara-sensei?”

“Oh, Nageki-kun was my patient last year,” Ryuuji explained. “That’s how I got to meet these guys. They’re also the ones who drew the pictures in my office.”

Nageki came back, followed by an older man with messy black hair. 

“Ah, good morning, Kawara-sensei!” he greeted, “I apologize for the mess!”

“Don’t worry about that, it’s my fault for coming here without telling you guys,” Ryuuji said with a smile. He turned to Isa, “This is Uzune Hitori, the caretaker of this place.”

“Hello there!” Hitori bowed down to Isa, “Nice to meet you!”

Isa stood up, and bowed down as well. “I am Isa. Nice to meet you.”

Isa noticed Nageki squint at his introduction – maybe he would have to explain the difference between Isa and Utsuro later. 

“So why are you here out of the blue, Kawara-sensei?”

“Okay, Hitori-kun, so…” Ryuuji sighed – here comes the difficult part of asking for a favour. “Do you mind if Isa-kun stays with you guys for a week?”

“Oh, that’s alright!” Hitori readily accepted, “Well, he’ll have to…”

“Wait,” Nageki cut in, “Is… is this legal?”

“What do you mean, Nageki?” Hitori asked, “Of course it’s fine!”

“Actually,” Ryuuji sighed, “It might not be that legal, but…”

“What?”

Hitori turned to look at Isa, then Ryuuji, then Nageki, puzzled. Isa could only look at the ground anxiously, trying to avoid any eye contact.

“Ah, quit joking around, everyone!” Hitori said cheerfully, “I mean, Kawara-sensei is a doctor, so if he does anything illegal, he’d be risking his license –”

“I kind of am, actually…”

_ And not just my license, but probably my life... _

“Let’s talk about this outside, Hitori-kun!” Ryuuji immediately grabbed Hitori’s arm and dragged him outside, “Isa-kun, play with them, alright?”

“Wait…”

“Isa!” Hoppe and two other kids Ryuuji hadn’t introduced quickly pulled his arm, “Let’s play house! Let’s play house!”

“Play nice with him,” Nageki said with a sigh, but Hoppe then grabbed his arm, too, and dragged him away. 

“Nageki, you play with us too!”

 

“Sorry to have gotten you and the kids involved in this, Hitori-kun.”

Ryuuji and Hitori were standing in the dark alley next to the orphanage now – there were trash bags and flies all around them, but at least nobody would have to listen to their conversation.

“Wait, let me repeat what you just said,” Hitori said, still puzzled, “So Isa-san is actually Ichijou Utsuro, the son of the prime minister, who ran away from home, and now he’s going to stay with us for a week.”

“Sounds about right. I’ll try to figure something out in a week,” Ryuuji sighed. “But if he stays in my apartment, he’ll be found.”

“Why did he run away?” Hitori asked, “Is it a family problem?”

“You see, Isa-kun has been hanging out with me,” Ryuuji explained, “His parents don’t like that, and so he got mad because he felt they had too much control over his life, and ran.”

“Well… I guess a benefit of never having any parents is never having family arguments,” Hitori sighed. 

“Didn’t you have a big argument with Nageki about which high school to choose?”

“I like to call that a heated conversation between brothers.

“Anyway, I suppose it will be alright,” Hitori said. “As long as the kids won’t be involved if he’s found out or anything – but I’ll try my best to hide him here.”

“Thank you, Hitori-kun,” Ryuuji said with a smile. He then took out an envelope from his pocket, and handed it to Hitori. Hitori could immediately guess what it contained – 

“Kawara-sensei, you really didn’t need to – ”

“Just in case,” Ryuuji said. “Even if you don’t end up using it for Isa-kun, use it for yourself or the kids.”

“Kawara-sensei, really,” Hitori insisted – “I already owe you more than I can pay in a lifetime.”

“Oh, come on, you don’t owe me anything at all!” Ryuuji took Hitori’s hand and placed the envelope there. “There. Don’t you dare try to give it back to Isa-kun, okay?”

“But…”

 

Fifteen minutes into playing ‘house’, Isa had figured out everyone else’s names – Tsukkun and Nacchin, who were probably the two youngest, played as the ‘parents’, Kokoro is the girl wearing a clock, Momo is the girl who wore a hat all the time, and Yuusuke was the boy who seemed to have flu. 

Tsukkun and Nacchin were going to hold another ‘family meeting’ to talk about Isa’s school grades when Hitori and Ryuuji walked into the room. Everyone quickly stood up to greet them. 

“I’m going back to the hospital now,” Ryuuji said. “I’ll probably be back tomorrow, alright?”

“Yes, Kawara-sensei!”

Ryuuji turned to Isa and mussed his hair, “Be good, Isa-kun! Call me or Tohri-kun if anything happens! Don’t forget to drink your medicines!”

“...yes, Kawara-sensei.”

Ryuuji leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on Isa’s forehead. 

“Stay safe, Isa-kun.”

Ryuuji pulled away and patted Isa on the back twice before turning for the door. 

“Kawara-sensei,” Hitori sighed, “I would appreciate it if… you would avoid public displays of affection in front of the children next time.”

“Well, sorry about that, Hitori-kun!” Ryuuji apologized sheepishly. “Well, see you guys later!”

 

Hitori left to see Ryuuji out, and so the family meeting continued. Nageki spent the entire duration of it reading a book instead, though – he must’ve played this with the kids a billion times, and knows exactly what will happen. 

“So.” Nageki closed his book and turned to Isa, “I probably haven’t introduced myself properly. I’m Fujishiro Nageki. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you…”

Nageki gave off the vibe of someone who is very logical and would take no nonsense. Isa was thinking that they’d perhaps get along…

“Are you going to college?”

“I’m supposed to start college this semester, yes.”

“I’ll be in my sophomore year, so I should probably get ready for entrance exams, too,” Nageki sighed – Isa himself was surprised to learn that Nageki was already in high school – his small build made him look a lot younger. 

“So how long have you known Kawara-sensei?”

“A month or two,” Isa replied – he was reminded that Nageki had said there was news about him, and thought about asking if Ryuuji was mentioned, but decided not to. 

If Ryuuji had been mentioned, after all, they wouldn’t have taken him in. 

“So are you guys like dating or anything?” Nageki asked, his tone as flat and calm as before. 

“What? No,” Isa replied nervously while shaking his head, “Kawara-sensei just… walks me home from the hospital sometimes.”

“But he kissed you!” Kanta chimed in, “So! So you must be Kawara-sensei’s boyfriend!”

“That’s not how it works,” Momo sighed, “Hitori kisses us all the time, too, but he’s not anyone’s boyfriend.”

“Well, Hitori is our family, so it’s fine!”

“So tell us, Isa!” Hoppe said, smiling mischievously, “Are you in love with Kawara-sensei?”

Well, what an awkward situation. 

“It’s day one of him staying with us,” Nageki sighed. “Let’s not make him feel uncomfortable.”

“Fine, Nageki, whatever,” Hoppe whined. “But you should most definitely date Kawara-sensei! He’s a really nice man!”

Isa turned to Nageki for help, but found that he was nonchalantly reading his book again. 

_ Kawara-sensei and I… _

_...well, it’s true that I love him, and that he loves me as well, but… we’re not really lovers.  _

_ Or are we? We’re definitely not just friends either.  _

_ I mean, I slept on the same bed with him last night and we kissed… on the lips, too… _

Isa faces an existential crisis. 

 

Hitori walked in a few seconds later – “Hey, guys, I’m going to the supermarket. You guys want anything?”

“Pudding!” Tsukkun and Nacchin excitedly screamed. “Pudding! Pudding!”

“I’ll get pudding for you guys.” He turned to Isa, “I know Kawara-sensei brought some of your stuff here, but do you still need anything?”

“I don’t think so.”

“You have your toothbrush with you?”

_ Oh yeah, that… _ “I guess I’ll need that.”

“Anything else?” Hitori waited for an answer for five seconds, and nodded. “Be back in an hour.”

“Don’t fall asleep on the way,” Nageki warned as Hitori closed the door. 

“He does that?” Isa asked, concerned – “That’s pretty dangerous, isn’t it?”

“Well, sometimes,” Nageki shrugged – “Kawara-sensei gave him some meds to help with that, so it’s somewhat better, but it’s normal for him to just suddenly fall asleep.”

_ No, that doesn’t sound normal at all! _

 

“Anyway, we asked you a lot of questions, so I guess you want to hear my side of the story as well?” Nageki asked, “About how I met Kawara-sensei, I mean.”

“If you don’t mind telling me,” Isa replied. 

“I was his patient last year,” Nageki explained. “I got in a car crash and my head was bleeding pretty badly, so he helped me. I would’ve died otherwise.”

_ No wonder everyone here seems to regard Kawara-sensei highly, _ Isa thought.  _ He’d done something so important for them. _

“And he paid for everything,” Nageki continued. “I mean, Hitori works, but it mostly covers our basic needs and a bit of extras, like winter clothes. But not a big surgery like that. 

“So we owe him quite a lot.”

For the first time after they met, Isa saw that Nageki was smiling. 

“He’s a really good person,” Nageki sighed. “He really cares about others, and not so much about himself. Kind of like Hitori… but I think things are better for Hitori, although we may be in a worse situation.”

“...why so?”

_ Kawara-sensei… seems to be doing fine. He’s got his life together –  _

_ Things would’ve been better for me if I hadn’t showed up. _

“Don’t you get this feeling that Kawara-sensei is really lonely?” Nageki asked, “Like… he doesn’t show it too much, and he probably doesn’t really notice either…

“You know,” Nageki sighed, “At least Hitori has us. Kawara-sensei doesn’t really have anyone. Maybe that’s why he’s so attached to you?”

 

Isa had never thought of it that way.

Nageki had a point – Isa never saw Ryuuji with anyone but Tohri, and they don’t even seem very close – everyone else were just acquaintances. Ryuuji didn’t really have anyone he could call a close friend, other than his cat. 

It just never occurred to Isa that Ryuuji could have hidden such sadness, such loneliness. 

Perhaps Isa had been too selfish all this time to notice. He’d always been so preoccupied with his thoughts about the world and his parents that he never thought about how Ryuuji would’ve felt about everything. Everything he’d thought about, he thought about from his point of view – that “he was giving Ryuuji trouble”, and not so much about “how Ryuuji felt about him”. He never bothered to ask, either...

He’d always heard that the loneliest people are the kindest. Perhaps those words are true in Ryuuji’s case.

 

_ “Are you home from work yet, Kawara-sensei?” _

“I’m on the train home! Is everything alright there?”   
_ “Yes. Everyone had been really kind to me.” _

“I’m glad to hear you guys are getting along! All the kids there are so nice, aren’t they?”

“Tohri-kun seems worried about you, by the way, so he might come visit some time.”

_ “I see. Tell him everything is alright, then.” _

“I told him, but he still wants to see empirical evidence!”

 

_ “Do you think I’m causing you a lot of trouble, Kawara-sensei?” _

_ “I mean… if I hadn’t run away from home like this, you wouldn’t have to do all of this.” _

“Come on, Isa-kun, what are you talking about? I’ll always do anything to help you!”

 

_ “I miss you, Kawara-sensei.” _

“I miss you too, Isa-kun!”

_ “I love you. I hope we can meet again soon.” _

There was a brief pause before the next reply came in.

“I love you too, Isa. Sleep well.”

  
  
  
  
  



	13. Chapter 13

Living in Hatoful House turned out to be quite alright. 

Nageki and Hitori leave home at seven in the morning – Hitori works as a math teacher in Nageki’s school, so they always went together. Isa usually wakes up at six thirty, and the habit hadn’t changed at all since he ran away from home, so he had time to help Hitori make breakfast and lunch. 

The other kids usually wake up at around eight thirty, although Isa suspected they’d all have to wake up at seven when their school starts, too. Momo and Hoppe were always the first ones to wake up, and Tsukkun and Nachhin the last. Hitori had also taught Isa how to properly put Kanta on his wheelchair. 

After breakfast, they go on to do their activities – Isa does the dishes with Momo and Kokoro’s help, while the rest watch the morning cartoon. 

Isa then makes lunch by himself, or sometimes one of the kids would come in and ask for candy, and then stay to watch him cook. Hitori set the limit to two per child per day, so Isa just gave them two at once.

Isa never thought of himself as a particularly good cook, but everyone seemed to enjoy his cooking just fine, so maybe all the cooking shows he watched were pretty useful after all. 

Nageki would come home at around three, and round up all the kids to nap. Nageki himself didn’t nap, though – he just sits on the couch and does homework or reads a book, while Isa played some games on his phone. When the kids wake up at four, they just continued playing – Tsukkun and Nacchin would usually ask Isa to play house with them. 

Hitori comes home at around six, and he would cook dinner with Isa’s help. Everyone continues playing after dinner, while Hitori does some of his work – usually grading or preparing worksheets. At ten, everyone goes to sleep – except Hitori, who sometimes just flops down on his desk and sleeps after dinner. 

~•~

 

“Thank you for your help again, Kawara-sensei.”

“It’s alright!” Ryuuji opened the door for his patient, a middle aged woman. “If your headache still doesn’t improve in two days, well, we might have to take an MRI.”

“Could it be a tumor?” she asked anxiously, my family has a history of cancer, so…”

“Let’s hope it’s not!” Ryuuji said, “But even if it is, it shouldn’t be a big problem, since we detected it pretty early!”

“That’s good to hear,” she said as she bowed down. “See you in two days, then, doctor.”

Ryuuji walked out of the room, trying to find his next patient – 

A brown-haired man with purple eyes in a black suit was sitting outside, watching him. There were a few bodyguards around him too, dressed in black, making him stick out in the crowd. Everyone was staring at the group nervously, while trying to stay away from them. 

Ryuuji knew this man well – he had seen him a few times on TV after all – 

The Prime Minister, Ichijou Kitsugu.

And sadly, he also knew that the man was there to see him. 

Ryuuji noticed now there were a few journalists around them, trying to get some inspiration for tomorrow’s newspaper. 

_ Well, I’d better play it cool, then, and try to not give away too much hints. _

“Hello there, Mr. Ichijou!” he greeted casually, “I didn’t expect to…”

“I’ll cut to the chase,” Kitsugu interjected. “Where is Utsuro?”

“Well, you see, I’m not sure either,” Ryuuji said nonchalantly – he could feel his heart beating so hard it was going to burst his whole chest, though. 

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Kitsugu shot back, “I know you’ve been in regular contact with him.”

“We met a few times, that’s all,” Ryuuji replied. “But on the day he ran away from home… was it last Friday? We didn’t meet at all.”

_ God, please, don’t let my lying skills fail me now. _

“Nishikikouji Tohri, my friend, can vouch for that,” he continued, “He’s also Utsuro-kun’s therapist. Usually Utsuro-kun and I meet after his therapy session, because my shift also ends around that time, so I walk him to the station. But last time Utsuro-kun was here, I had an emergency surgery, so I told Tohri-kun to tell Utsuro-kun I can’t go home with him.”

“But today is Wednesday,” Kitsugu said, “There is no way you guys haven’t come in contact in this past six days.”

“We really haven’t,” Ryuuji lied, “I mean, not like we text each other that often to start with – why would Utsuro-kun tell me where he is?”

“Stop playing dumb.”  
Kitsugu stood up now, his purple eyes glaring straight into Ryuuji’s. 

It was dreadful, to say the least. Ryuuji felt like Kitsugu could walk towards him and poke his eyes out at any moment if Ryuuji didn’t give him what he wanted – 

_...but calm down, Ryuuji.  _

_ He can’t do anything here, to me, a helpless civilian. His suspicion isn’t enough ground to do anything to me.  _

_ Besides, with all the press here, everything he does would most certainly be exposed to the world – he must at least play as the father who’s worried about his missing son rather than an abusive father.  _

_...still,  _

_ I can’t imagine this is the kind of situation Isa-kun finds himself in everyday.  _

_ He wasn’t too wrong about his father finding me and trying to kill me, after all. _

“You’re just trying to get close to Utsuro, so you can take advantage of him,” Kitsugu accused, “I’ve seen the likes of you help Utsuro, expecting he will one day do you a favour. And I won’t allow that this time.”

“What advantage am I going to get from your son?” Ryuuji asked, “For all I know, he’s just sad you guys don’t care enough about him that he has to come his therapy sessions alone.

“If anything, Ichijou-san, I think you’re the one who needs to reflect on why Utsuro-kun ran away from home if you want him back so desperately.”

Kitsugu seemed struck by those words. He still glared at Ryuuji, but now Ryuuji could see a hint of embarrassment there. 

_ Whoops, went a little overboard there, _ Ryuuji sighed internally,  _ Maybe. As long as I said what I wanted to say… _

_ I hope the press doesn’t make too big of a fuss about this… I’m somewhat scared now, too... _

“Now if you don’t mind,” Ryuuji said with a smile, “It’s time for Higure-kun’s appointment.”

~•~

Isa had expected the schedule to be the same today. 

Nageki and Hitori had left, all the kids had had breakfast and Isa had done the dishes. 

Just when Isa was thinking about what to make for lunch, Pyonpyon suddenly appeared at the door. 

“Hey, Pyonpyon-kun,” Isa called, “You want some candy?”

“Kawara-sensei’s on TV, Isa!” Pyonpyon said, “Wanna watch?”

 

“Today, in MTT news! The search for Ichijou Utsuro, the prime minister’s son, continues!”

“The prime minister was seen in Central Hospital... confronting Dr. Kawara Ryuuji... He seems... to suspect the doctor for coming in contact with his son…”

“Here is a live footage from the area, taken by our correspondence!”

The screen switched to a recording taken in the hallways of the hospital. 

Isa could see his father and Ryuuji facing each other, with confused patients sitting around them.

 

_ “Stop playing dumb. You’re just trying to get close to Utsuro, so you can take advantage of him. I’ve seen the likes of you help Utsuro, expecting he will one day do you a favour. And I won’t allow that this time.” _

 

Isa almost shuddered, watching his father talk to Ryuuji that way. 

It was a perfectly logical argument, but Isa knew it wasn’t true. 

_ Kawara-sensei wouldn’t have gone through all this trouble if he really expected something back from me.  _

_ I mean, now that I’ve run away from home and he knows how much I dislike my parents, he wouldn’t have much of a reason to expect anything from me...  _

_...would he? _

 

_ “What advantage am I going to get from your son? _

_ “For all I know, he’s just sad you guys don’t care enough about him that he has to come his therapy sessions alone. _

_ “If anything, Ichijou-san, I think you’re the one who needs to reflect on why Utsuro-kun ran away from home if you want him back so desperately.” _

 

Isa turned to look at the screen again, where Ryuuji had turned to look at his other patient, 

_ “Now if you don’t mind, it’s time for Higure-kun’s appointment.” _

 

“Kawara-sensei is so awesome!” Hoppe was yelling at the TV now, “He’s… he’s so brave, talking to the prime minister like that!”

“Yeah! I would’ve been so scared I couldn’t talk!” Kanta chimed in, “You go, sensei!”

For a second, Isa felt somewhat relieved he’d been introduced to these children as ‘Isa’ and not ‘Utsuro’, or else they would be panicking now. Well, Nageki immediately recognized him the day he came here, but the other children didn’t seem to care. 

 

_ But for Kawara-sensei to lie about whether or not he knows where I am… _

_ If anyone finds that he has hidden me, then we’re both done for. And not just us, but also Hitori-san and the others… _

_...why would he do that? _

_ Why is he protecting me so much? _

 

“That was a very bold move from the doctor!” the anchor continued. “But the prime minister’s concern is not unfounded! There have been evidence that Kawara Ryuuji had met Ichijou Utsuro a few times before!”

“But even so… we don’t know if he really helped with Utsuro-san’s escape… I think it’s really rude of the prime minister to do that…”

“Still, darlings! Now that the prime minister can’t get any clues from the doctor, he’ll certainly double, or maybe even quadruple the efforts to find his son! It’s been almost a week since his disappearance now!”

 

Isa suddenly felt something vibrate in his pocket – it was his phone. 

A call from Ryuuji. 

 

“Isa-kun, it’s me.”

“Look,” Isa sighed as he walked into the kitchen, “That was totally unnecessary.”

“Ah… you’ve seen the news, haven’t you?”

“Stop putting yourself in danger, sensei,” Isa said, “If they find that you’ve been helping me all along, that’s going to be a very good reason to put you in jail.”

“But Isa-kun,” Ryuuji replied, “You don’t want to go home, right?”

“I’ll go home if that’s going to stop all this,” Isa said. “I don’t want you to put yourself on the line.”

“But I want to, Isa.”

Isa froze upon hearing that. 

“As long as it’ll make you happy, I’ll even die for you.”

“But I…”

_ But I don’t want you to.  _

_ I’m not worth your love or your sacrifice.  _

“Isa,” Ryuuji went on, “If you don’t want to go home, I’ll try my best so that you don’t have to.”

“It’s not worth it,” Isa replied. 

_ One day, I’ll have to go home anyway.  _

_ All of this will have to end, and everything you do, everything I do, will be useless.  _

_ I don’t want to go home. I want to continue living like this forever, but… _

_ It almost feels like… Kawara-sensei is doing this for nothing.  _

_ He’s risking so much for me, knowing he’ll get nothing good out of it.  _

_ Why?  _

 

“Isa?”

Pyonpyon got into the kitchen to find Isa sitting on the floor, staring blankly at his phone. Seems like he didn’t hear Pyonpyon calling him. 

“Isa?” he called again, and Isa snapped out of his thoughts and quickly looked up at him. 

“Ah, sorry about that,” Isa said as he stood up. “I was just… thinking about something.”

“On the floor?”

“I do that sometimes.” Isa turned to Pyonpyon with a forced smile. “You want some candy?”

“Isa, you’re not going to leave, right?”

“What are you talking about? Of course not,” Isa lied. “Or, at least until Kawara-sensei picks me up.”

“You know, Isa,” Pyonpyon said, “You’re a lot like Hitori.”

“What do you mean?” Isa asked while opening the fridge – there wasn’t much food left – Hitori really needs to go shopping soon. He took out a box of ground beef and onions – he’d just make a stir fry.

“Hitori’s so much better than me,” Isa said while opening the packages. “He’s kind, caring, and capable. The ideal man everyone wants their son to be. I’m just an emotional wreck.”

“That one time, when Hitori was really sick and couldn’t even get out of bed, he kept trying to convince us he’s fine, too.”

Pyonpyon walked towards Isa, and gently hugged him from the back.

“Isa,” Pyonpyon said, his voice muffled by Isa’s clothes, “If you’re sad, you can tell everyone, alright? And we’ll try our best to help.”

Isa put down the food on the counter, and turned towards Pyonpyon to pat him on the head. 

“I know,” he said. “Thanks, Pyonpyon.”

 

_ He doesn’t understand.  _

_ He’s too young to understand anything, but at least he cares.  _

_ I know he cares. Kawara-sensei and Hitori-san care, too, and they want to help me. _

_ But this isn’t something that can be solved so easily. Even if I go home or stay here, it doesn’t mean anything is going to be fine.  _

_ I’m being such a burden to everyone, and nothing is being resolved… _

_ It can’t go on like this forever, but what will I do? What can I do? _

 

_ I’m tired.  _

_ I just want to… go somewhere quiet, and sleep until all of this is resolved.  _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (did you just put an undertale reference there chicken) MTT NEWS COMING UP ON CHANNEL FIVE, EVERY 10 AM IN THE MORNING!!!


	14. Chapter 14

“I’m going out for a bit, Nageki-kun.”

Nageki looked up from his book towards Isa, who was walking out of the house. All the other kids were in their room now, supposedly taking a nap. 

“Are you sure?” Nageki asked, “I mean, thanks to the news earlier, everyone’s probably going to be on the lookout for you.”

By the time Nageki finished his sentence, Isa had already closed the door. 

“He didn’t even tell me where he’s going,” Nageki sighed as he turned back to his book –

He noticed, then, that Isa had left his phone on the table. 

_ He’s probably just going for a quick walk,  _ Nageki thought,  _ If I’m ever caught in that kind of commotion, I’d go out for air, too. _

_ ~•~ _

  
  


_ If I’d never been here at all, none of this would’ve happened.  _

 

Isa stood in front of a red light along with all the other pedestrians, waiting for it to turn green.

He was wearing a grey hoodie that he’d worn when he ran away from home – he pulled the hood lower, so that his face was hidden in the shade. It would be quite a problem if he was found now, after all.

It was a beautiful day – the birds are singing, the streets were filled with people and life, the air was warm, and the sun was shining. 

 

_ It’s a beautiful day to die.  _

 

The light turned green, and so Isa crossed the street, with the rest of the crowd. 

He had no idea where he was going this time either, but it wouldn’t matter. 

He’d gone to a pharmacy earlier to buy some medicines to take along with his prescription, and took them on the way. Now he was just walking around, wherever his feet would take him. 

Not like he was planning to come back. 

Not like there was a place for him to start with anyway. 

He passed the street safely, and looked at the clock mounted on the store window next to him. 

It was a bit past four. He remembered that he’d left the orphanage at around three thirty, so he really hasn’t been walking that long. 

The city seemed particularly noisy that day. 

He was walking along with the crowd to the station, but then decided to stop and turn back. Why would he go to the station, anyway? Not like he needed to go anywhere.

 

Now that he thought about it, he’d never been in this part on Tokyo before, other than that one time Ryuuji had brought him here. 

_...no.  _

_ Don’t think about Kawara-sensei for now. _

Isa continued walking. 

 

The sun seemed to grow hotter every minute he walked – or maybe it was just him. 

He wondered if he should get into a store and chill out for a minute, but then decided not to.

All the noises around him started to seem to blur in now, into one low murmur. It sounded like a fly was buzzing near his ear, but there was no bug.

Isa kept walking. His body felt like it grew heavier every minute –

_ It’s probably because of the sun. Maybe I’m just getting a heatstroke. _

_ Everything’s going to be fine. _

 

He kept walking, trying to look as normal as possible.

Other people kept walking past him, too, without turning to look at him. So far nobody has noticed who he really is yet – that made Isa feel calm. 

The city started to blur away. The people around him, the buildings around him – all of them were blurring, melting into one smudged grey world.

The sun seemed to only grow more and more intense – Isa could feel the sting of the heat on his skin, and his steps kept getting heavier.

 

_ What would the world be like without me? _

_ What would change, and what would remain the same?  _

 

Suddenly he felt it – a painful throb in the left side of his head.

Isa stopped walking and held the part that was hurting – the throb was gone now, but the pain still lingered. 

His whole body suddenly felt weak. 

The world spun, and his body felt light, as all concepts of gravity had vanished in an instant, but the next second he felt that his body had hit the ground. 

The murmur around him got louder, and Isa could see that some people were stopping around him now, curious. 

“Stop,” he muttered weakly as he slapped away a hand that was trying to touch him. “I’m perfectly fine.” 

Somewhere in the distance, amidst the murmur, he heard someone say, 

“Isa-kun, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Isa replied to that voice, “I’m fine, Kawara-sensei. I’m fine.”

 

_ “I love you.” _

 

And everything disappeared.

 

~•~

 

“Ichijou Utsuro was found collapsed on the sidewalk.”

 

Ryuuji immediately stood up from his chair, looking at the nurse who brought him the news. 

“What happened?” he asked, “Is… is he here now?”

“Yes, doctor,” she replied, and he quickly dashed out of the room. “An ambulance just brought him to the emergency room.”

“Do we know what caused it yet?” he asked, “Is it heat stroke, or poisoning, or…”

“They’re trying to find out now, sir,” she replied, “But according to the other witnesses, he just suddenly collapsed and kept saying he’s going to be fine, and that he called you at some point.”

As Ryuuji was walking into the lobby, he saw Tohri running towards the emergency room as well.

“Tohri-kun.”

Tohri stopped and turned to Ryuuji, eyes brimming with tears. 

“Kawara,” he called, “Kawara, what… what if…”

“This is no time to speculate, Tohri-kun,” Ryuuji cut as he dragged Tohri along, “We have to see Isa-kun first, alright?”

 

_ I don’t know what is happening. _

_ Isa-kun might be dying in there.  _

_ I have to do something. I can’t just sit by and watch him die.  _

_ I don’t want to be alone again. _

 

Ichijou Kitsugu was already waiting when Ryuuji and Tohri arrived at the emergency room, 

“We found high levels of antidepressants in his blood,” a doctor told Kitsugu, “Seems like he bought some drugs and just drank them in excess.”

“I knew it,” Tohri sobbed, “I… shouldn’t have…”

“Tohri-kun, it’s not your fault,” Ryuuji interjected, “It’s not just from the drugs you gave him.”

“But still, I…” Tohri wiped the tears that were going to fall, “All this… hasn’t been helping him as expected.”

“Dr. Kawara.” The doctor turned to Ryuuji, “Good thing you’re already here. Utsuro-san will have to go into surgery immediately.”

“What happened to him?”

“Seems like the overdose is causing a hemorrhagic stroke – we need to stop the bleeding as soon as we can.”

“Alright then, let’s get ready…”

“No.”

Ryuuji turned to the stern voice that had voiced its disagreement. 

“There will be no surgery,” Kitsugu said, his tone cold and certain. “I don’t want you anywhere near my son, Kawara.”

“Are you stupid?” 

Tohri was yelling at Kitsugu now. 

“You don’t understand how serious this is, do you, old man?” Tohri continued, “If we don’t do anything, your son’s going to die in a matter of hours!”

“Well, let him die, then.

“It’s not like he deserves the right to call himself an Ichijou anymore.”

 

_ What is happening? _

_ Why has it… become like this? _

 

“What kind of parent are you?” Tohri yelled, “How can you just… how can you just say it’s fine for your son to die?”

The other hospital staffs in the emergency room were talking amongst themselves now – all of them seemed to agree with what Tohri had said. 

“Is he that worthless to you? I know he’s probably not the best son, but as his father, you have to love him unconditionally!”

 

_ If Isa dies… _

_...no. I don’t want to think about it. _

_ If Isa dies, I won’t be able to see him again ever, and I don’t want that. I can’t imagine what this world would be like without him.  _

_ A world where Isa doesn’t exist isn’t worth living in.  _

_ I just want to see Isa live and be happy.  _

_ Is that too much to ask? _

 

“What are you doing, Kawara?” Tohri turned to Ryuuji angrily, “Say something!”

Ryuuji was staring at the ground blankly, his hands trembling. 

 

_ I have to do something.  _

_ It’s… scary. I never thought it could be so daunting.  _

_ If Isa isn’t here anymore, I’d… I’d rather die.  _

 

“Every second you’re not doing anything, the bigger the chance he’s going to die!”

 

_ I can’t just sit by and…  _

_ I have to save Isa. At least I have to try.  _

_ I will never forgive myself if Isa dies just because I’m too scared to do anything.  _

 

“Prepare for surgery.”

Ryuuji looked up at Kitsugu, who was in turn looking at him furiously. 

“I’ll make sure you never practice ever again if you do that,” he threatened, “Don’t go anywhere near…”

“It’s not your son I’m trying to save,” Ryuuji said, “It’s Isa.”

  
  



	15. Chapter 15

“Hitori, God, I’m so sorry.”

“Nageki, it’s alright,” Hitori said, “Where are you right now? Stay at home.”

“I’m… at home, with the others,” Nageki replied among his sobs. “I... haven’t waken up the others. I don’t want them to know, but…”

“You stay home, alright? I’ll go to the hospital.”

“I want to go with you too, Hitori.”

Momo and Hoppe walked out of their room, and saw that Nageki was calling someone while crying. 

“Nageki?” Hoppe quickly asked while sitting next to him, “Nageki, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” Nageki muttered, “Just… go back to bed.”

“Where is Isa?”

“In the hospital.”

“What?” The two girls were immediately concerned. “Why? What happened?” “Can we go see him?”

“I don’t know,” Nageki sobbed. “Hitori, I’ll… I’ll call you back later.”

“I’ll go to the hospital,” Hitori said, “Stay home, alright? I’ll pick you up if I feel like you can come. Can you cook tonight?”

“Yes,” Nageki replied, “I think… I think we have leftovers from lunch. Worst case is I go buy from the ramen shop in down the street.”

~•~

When Hitori arrived at the hospital an hour later, he was greeted by the sight of reporters gathered by the entrance. 

_ This is a high-profile case now _ , he thought.  _ After all, Isa… Utsuro… is the son of the prime minister.  _

_ I haven’t looked at the news at all today. I wonder what’s going on.  _

“As we are speaking, Dr. Kawara is performing the surgery to save Ichijou Utsuro’s life,” he heard as he walked past a reporter who was being recorded. “Earlier, the prime minister was heard saying that…”

“Who knew that the prime minister could’ve said something so cruel?” another reporter said, “To say that his son no longer deserves to be called an Ichijou…”

“We can only wonder what kind of suffering Utsuro-san must’ve endured that led him to running away from home and attempting suicide.”

Hitori decided to keep walking through as if he didn’t hear anything. 

For the entire week Isa had spent at Hatoful House, Isa had never once talked about his family or what kind of life he used to have. 

However, Isa seemed… relieved. 

Relieved because he’s finally not in an abusive environment, maybe. 

_ No matter how desperately I want parents,  _ Hitori thought,  _ If that’s the kind that ended up adopting me, I’d run away, too.  _

“Excuse me, mister!”

Hitori felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned to see that a young man had shoved his microphone at Hitori. Standing behind him was a cameraman –

_ Aww, shit, I got caught.  _

_ But hey, Nageki and the others, I’m on TV now! _

_...if that’s even something to be proud of.  _

“What?” Hitori asked, trying to sound bitter. “I have an appointment. You’re going to make me get there late.”

“Just a really quick question!” the journalist said, “As… as you know, Dr. Kawara decided to perform surgery on Ichijou Utsuro, although the prime minister said Utsuro-san can just die! What do you…”

“Well, it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?” Hitori replied, “He’s a doctor. Of course he would try his best to save other people. The prime minister’s clearly in the wrong here.”

“Do you think the doctor’s relationship with Utsuro-san had influeced his decision?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Hitori replied as he turned to leave, “But Dr. Kawara is just doing his best, as a doctor.”

That said, Hitori turned around to leave. 

Turns out another reporter had caught him, and shoved her microphone at him, too. 

“Do you know Kawara-sensei before this incident?”

_ God, just let me go already!  _ “Yes, I do! Can I go now?”

Hitori realized then he should’ve lied, but too late – some reporters heard him and were now heading his way. 

_ Oh fuck. _

“Were you his patient?” “What kind of man is he?” “What do you know about him?”

“There you are!”

Hitori turned to the strange voice, and saw a blond doctor walking towards him. He quickly grabbed Hitori’s arm and dragged him into the hospital. 

“Just ignore them,” the doctor said, “There’s no end to them if you keep answering.”

 

Minutes later, they were inside the hospital – the doctor was huffing and panting, and Hitori couldn’t blame him, since they’d just run through a sea of people. 

“Thanks for helping me out.”

“Don’t worry about that!” 

Hitori checked the nametag the doctor was wearing – Nishikikouji Tohri. 

“You’re… Uzura?”

“Uzune. Uzune Hitori.”

“Ah! Yes,” Tohri sighed. “Kawara told me about you. Said you’re taking care of other kids in an orphanage.”

“That’s right. One of them was his patient last year.”

“So why are you here?” Tohri asked, “Are you going to see another doctor?”

_...wait. I can’t tell him that Isa-san had lived with us.  _

“Ah, I just happened to pass by, and I thought I’d see how the surgery is going,” Hitori said with a smile. “

“He should be out soon,” Tohri sighed. “It’s… kind of my fault that this happened.”

“Why so?”

“I prescribed Isa… I mean, Utsuro, some medicines,” 

_ Wait,  _ Hitori called,  _ He just said Isa.  _

_ So does this mean Isa is familiar with this person?  _

“And Isa tried to kill himself with those drugs, so…” 

Tohri sighed as he looked away. 

“It’s alright,” Hitori said, placing a hand on Tohri’s shoulder. “None of this would’ve happened if he had been treated better by his family. It wasn’t your fault to start with.”

“You’re somewhat right,” Tohri sighed. “His dad’s such an asshole. If it weren’t for the nurses, I would’ve beaten him to a pulp as well.”

“How’s the surgery going?” Hitori asked, “I mean, Kawara-sensei has been in there for quite a while, yes?”

“For about two hours, yes,” Tohri replied. “He should be out soon.

“But I’m certain that boy will survive,” Tohri said, “There’s no way Kawara would let him die.”

“What will happen, then, even if Utsuro-san is saved?” Hitori asked, “I mean, the prime minister…”

“I said ‘survive’,” Tohri corrected as he walked away, “I didn’t say everything would go well afterwards. Let’s go get some water, Uzune.”

~•~

Ryuuji came out a mere thirty minutes after. 

He could see that Ichijou Kitsugu was still in the waiting room, but now accompanied by his wife. She seemed worried, but he still wore the same cold expression Ryuuji had seen when he got into surgery. 

Ryuuji decided to not talk to him at all. 

_ What good would it do, anyway – not like he cares about Isa-kun. _

Ryuuji took off his mask and cap, and walked past the couple towards the door. 

“Are you at least not going to tell us how the surgery turned out?”

“Well, now that you ask.” Ryuuji sighed as he turned to Kitsugu, “He’ll live. Might take a few days for him to wake up, though.”

“That’s good,” Kitsugu replied. “Don’t you ever hope you can see him again, Kawara.”

Ryuuji stared blankly at Kitsugu for a while, and then turned to leave without a word. 

 

“Kawara!”

Tohri and Hitori quickly ran towards him. Ryuuji looked Tohri, then at Hitori, and drew a tired smile on his face. 

“Sorry to have made everyone worry,” Ryuuji said. “Especially you, Hitori-kun. Sorry to have dragged you into this.”

“That’s alright,” Hitori said. “How is Isa-san?”

“He’ll wake up in a few days,” Ryuuji replied. “And then maybe in a week or two, he can go home. His right side might be a little weak, since the blood vessel that ruptured is in the left side, but I’m sure he can recover with physiotherapy.”

“You look really tired, Kawara,” Tohri remarked, “Go home and sleep or something, okay? You need to take tomorrow off?”

“Yeah, I…” Ryuuji sighed as he looked away. “I… really need to sleep. It’s been a long day.”

“Kawara-sensei…”

“Sorry again, Hitori-kun,” Ryuuji apologized, “I shouldn’t have brought you guys into this. All the kids must be worried…”

“Don’t worry about it, Kawara-sensei,” Hitori said with a smile. “I’m sure everyone’s happy now that Isa-san is alright. You did a really good job!”

Ryuuji turned to Hitori and stared at him for a while, before sighing and walking out. 

“I’m going home,” he said. “See you guys tomorrow.”

 

“What’s wrong with him?”

Tohri only watched as Ryuuji walked further and further away from them, and then disappeared into the locker room. 

“I don’t know,” Tohri replied. “I haven’t seen him be this somber since his father died.”

“I thought the surgery went well,” Hitori asked, confused – ”I mean, Isa-san would wake up soon, and then be discharged, and…”

Hitori immediately stopped when he realized what he had said. 

~•~

“I’m home, Hako-chan.”

The cat looked up from her fish toy and ran towards Ryuuji, who had just walked in through the door. Ryuuji scooped her up in his arms and petted her head, but then she immediately hopped back down. 

“Ah, I smell like medicines, don’t I?” Ryuuji asked, “Sorry about that. I’ll go shower in a moment.”

Ryuuji took a bag of cat food and filled the cat’s bowl, and then sat down on the chair as he watched her eat. 

 

_ Just last week, Isa-kun was here with me.  _

_ He was sitting on that chair, and we ate dinner together. And then he played with Hako-chan for a bit… _

 

Ryuuji looked around his apartment.

Everything felt too big now, too cold. 

Too lonely.

 

_ It didn’t feel like this when Isa was here.  _

_...damn, I miss him already. He should come and do another sleepover sometime... _

 

For the past few hours, everything had been moving so fast that Ryuuji didn’t have time to digest what was happening. 

Isa had tried to kill himself and as a result had to go into surgery, so Ryuuji did it. And he was successful – Isa would wake up in a few days, and…

 

_ And then Isa would have to go home.  _

 

_ Just last week, when I found him in the rain, he’d told me he didn’t want to. _

_ And everything I did, I did to try to keep him on the run.  _

 

_ Because I thought that would make him happy.  _

_ No – now that I’ve seen what his father is like, he would definitely be happier if he’d left home altogether and lived as Isa Souma and not Ichijou Utsuro. _

 

_ But look at what I’ve done now.  _

_ I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I? _

_ Isa was right when he said he would eventually have to go home.  _

_ But now I’ve forced him to go home.  _

_ I’ve forced him to once again live a life he never wanted.  _

_ All because I was selfish – because I was scared of losing him.  _

 

“I… miss Isa,” Ryuuji muttered, “Don’t you, Hako-chan?

“What if I… never get to meet him again?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (it is not over) it is not over yet, my darlings


	16. Chapter 16

“Good morning, Kawara-kun!”

“Good morning, director!”

Ryuuji walked into the office, holding an envelope in his hand.

The director of the hospital was sitting on his chair, reading the newspaper while sipping a cup of tea. He was an old man – his hair had all turned grey, but he still wore a scrub and a doctor’s coat on top of it, as a normal doctor would.

Ryuuji had always liked the director – the director was a friendly, caring man, who treats his employees fairly – he was the ideal doctor that he’d always wanted to be.  

“The surgery you performed yesterday was all over the news today!” the director said, “Seems like you’re famous now! I’m glad it went well!”

Ryuuji only smiled as the director put down his paper and took another sip of tea.

“So what are you here for today, Kawara-kun?” the director asked with a smile, “Are you going to ask for a raise?”

Ryuuji put down the envelope he had been carrying in front of the director – something had been written on the front. The director took it while fixing his reading glasses –

“...I see.”

He tore open the envelope, took out the paper that was inside, and started reading.

“But is this what you really want, Kawara-kun?” the director asked halfway through reading, “Or are you doing this because you feel like you have to?”

“Uh, well…” Ryuuji scratched the back of his head – “I feel like I have to, sir.”

“You know, you’ve been here since you graduated,” the director said, “And you’ve been really dedicated as a doctor.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“I think the incident yesterday just went further to prove that,” the director continued, “That you’re always ready to help others, no matter who and what.

“Are you making this decision based on what happened yesterday?”

_...there is no use in hiding it now, is there?_

“Yes, sir.”

“But you saved that boy,” the director said, “He’s going to be fine, yes? Then what’s the problem?”

“I don’t know, sir…”

Ryuuji looked down at the floor with a sigh.

“Everyone on the TV, on the papers, on the radio, said that I saved him,” he sighed, “But… have I really?”

 

The director looked down at the paper he had just read one more time, and then looked up at Ryuuji with a smile.

“No matter what you think of yourself, Kawara-kun, I think Japan will always regard you as a hero.”

Ryuuji let out a hearty laugh.

“I’m really happy to hear that from you, sir,” he said with a smile, “But I am still far from a hero.”

“We’re all heroes in our own ways, to different people.”

The director turned to look at Ryuuji with a sad smile.

“I’m sure that boy, too, will one day look back at this incident, and think about what a great person you are.”

“I’m not so sure,” Ryuuji replied. “I’ve condemned him into a life he doesn’t want, after all.”

“Could you have done anything else?”

 _Perhaps not_ , Ryuuji thought, _but that still doesn’t make my actions right._

Silence took over as the director looked at the paper once again. He then sighed as he stood up, and walked towards Ryuuji.

He offered his hand out for Ryuuji to shake, so Ryuuji took it and shook it as firmly as he could.

“You did well,” the director said, a tone of pride in his voice. “You’re always welcome here, Dr. Kawara Ryuuji.”

 

The atmosphere of the hospital was solemn that day, despite all the excitement and activity from the day before.

As Ryuuji walked down the hallway to his room, he greeted all the other staff, as per usual – they all now smiled to him, or bowed down to him. A few of them even stopped him to give him a hug or a pat on the back.

When Ryuuji finally got to his room, he found Tohri waiting by the door.

“Oh, morning, Tohri-kun!” Ruuuji greeted as he unlocked the door, “Your shift here hasn’t started, right?”

“Is it true?” Tohri quickly asked, “What the director wrote in the all-staff email?”

“Of course it is.”

Tohri was silent until Ryuuji had walked into his room. He started to take off some of the pictures the Hatoful House children had drawn for him –

– he could remember, on the first and only time Isa walked into his office, he’d asked Ryuuji if his children drew them.

“Why?”

“I just… need some time to think,” Ryuuji replied, “Think of it as a vacation.”

“You don’t resign if you’re just going to take a vacation.”

Ryuuji remained silent as he took off Tsukkun’s picture from the wall.

“Kawara,” Tohri called, “What am I going to tell him when he wakes up?”

“Tell him I’m doing this for his sake,” Ryuuji replied calmly. “By the way, I’ve completed the paperwork to transfer him to…”

“That’s not it!”

Ryuuji paused as he could hear the crack in Tohri’s voice.

“He needs you here, Kawara,” Tohri sobbed, “What… what’s going to happen to him if you’re not here?”

 

_I don’t know._

_But then, I don’t know what’ll happen to me without him by my side, either._

 

“Don’t do this, Kawara!” Tohri sobbed, “Think about how he will feel!”

“I thought about it,” Ryuuji said, trying to sound calm, “And I think he’ll do just fine.”

“What happened to you? Are you running away? Just…” Tohri paused, “Just… because the prime minister said you can’t meet him ever again, you’re going to give up?”

“Then what can I do?”

Ryuuji turned to Tohri now, and he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes.

“I can’t look at him and just say, ‘Wow, hooray! You’re still alive!’, can I?” Ryuuji asked, “Does he even want to be alive?

“What I’ve done yesterday, I didn’t do for him – I did it for myself.

“I did it because I’m scared of losing him,” Ryuuji said, “And now… and now, I’ve lost him.”

Tohri stared at Ryuuji, shocked. Ryuuji took a deep breath to calm himself, then turned to take off the last picture on the wall.

~•~

Isa was still unconscious when Ryuuji walked into the ICU. None of Utsuro’s parents were there yet, so the nurses had allowed him to come in.

Ryuuji pulled a chair, and sat down next to the bed.

Isa looked calm and peaceful now, as if he was sleeping normally. His head was still bandaged, but Ryuuji knew everything would be alright now.

He took Isa’s hand in his and held it tightly.

“I know you can’t hear me, Isa-kun,” Ryuuji whispered, “But I’m here to tell you I’m sorry.”

Isa didn’t answer, as perhaps expected.

“I’m going to leave, and think about what I’ve done,” Ryuuji continued, “I… I don’t know when I’ll come back.”

Ryuuji looked at Isa’s face longingly, trying to commit it to memory.

He could hear Isa’s calm, regular breathing; he could feel Isa’s warmth on his hand – Isa is definitely alive, and he would be ‘alright’.

Perhaps.

“Isa,” he called, “Isa… I… I love you.”

Isa didn’t answer.

“I really don’t want to let you go,” Ryuuji could hear himself sobbing, “But… but I have to.”

_Isa is so warm, so tender._

_I don’t want to let go…_

“Isa,” he called frantically, “Isa. Isa, I’m sorry.”

_Please, don’t wake up now._

_Let this be my last memory of you._

_That you are peaceful and happy, somewhere without me._

 

Ryuuji leaned down to place a kiss on Isa’s forehead.

“I’ll miss you,” he whispered. “I’ll miss you so much, Isa, darling. I’m so sorry.”

 

_Please, forget about me._

_Go and live as happily as you can, and don’t think about me again, if that’s just going to make you sad._

 

“If you must remember me, Isa, remember me as someone who loves you.”

~•~

“Will you ever be back, Kawara?”

That was the last question Tohri had asked before Ryuuji walked out of the hospital that day.

Looking back at it now, Ryuuji could remember how he had started his career so excitedly, expecting himself to be able to save all his patients.

And now, he was leaving because he had failed to save the one he loved most.

_What a foolish, idealistic dream I had then._

“Maybe,” Ryuuji replied. “I don’t know.”

 

~•~

 

Isa woke up to find Tohri sitting by his bed.

“Hey,” Tohri said, “You feeling alright?”

“...yes.”

Isa couldn’t feel the right side of his body, but he could see clearly, his head wasn’t hurting, and he could hear and understand Tohri perfectly – so the answer should be ‘yes’.

He couldn’t remember how he’d ended up in the hospital – he could remember walking down the street when his head suddenly hurt like hell, and then there was darkness.

_I suppose I was found and treated just in time._

“Your right side is going to be somewhat paralyzed for a while,” Tohri said. “But that aside, everything should be good. Man, you were out for three days…”

“Where is Kawara-sensei?”

Isa could see Tohri’s face immediately turn pale.

_...why?_

“What happened to him?”

Isa tried to get up from his bed, but his right side felt too heavy, so he ended up not being able to move even an inch. Tohri was looking away now, as if avoiding eye contact with Isa.

“Nishikikouji-sensei?” Isa asked, “What…”

“He left.”

 

_What?_

 

“He resigned from the hospital, two days ago.”

 

_Kawara-sensei…_

_He’s not here?_

 

“Then,” Isa said, “Where… where is he, then?”

“I don’t know.”

 

_Kawara-sensei…_

_...why?_

 

“I called him many times,” Tohri said, “But… but it always went to his voicemail.”

 

_Kawara-sensei…_

_He’s not… here anymore?_

 

The room suddenly felt cold.

“He needs some time for himself,” Tohri said, “He told me he needs to think. I’m sure he’s…”

Isa didn’t hear anything after that.

 

_Why?_

_Why has Kawara-sensei left me behind?_

_Why did he leave me, knowing that he’s my whole world, knowing that there’s nothing else worth living in this world but him?_

_Why did he keep me alive, if he’s just going to leave me anyway?_

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i truly suffered writing this chapter so if you're crying then i did myself a good job


	17. Chapter 17

_“Kawara-sensei, it’s me, Isa._

_“I’ve woken up now, but… you weren’t there. Nishikikouji-sensei said I’ll be transferred to another hospital in a few days._

_“Come visit me sometime, Kawara-sensei, and… and reply to my texts.”_

 

“It seems that after the life-saving surgery done on Ichijou Utsuro three days ago, Dr. Kawara Ryuuji had gone missing.”

Isa was sitting on his bed, watching the news.

Tohri had miraculously brought back his phone from the Hatoful House, and Isa had texted Ryuuji, without any response.

“According to the director of the officer, he had resigned from his job...”

A nurse walked into the room, holding a clipboard full of notes. However, she stopped upon seeing that Isa was watching the news.

“Our correspondent had also gone to the apartment where he lived,” one of the anchors went on, “According to the administrator we met, he’d left his apartment yesterday, and taken care of all the paperwork to cancel his contract.”

“If he’s simply going on a vacation from work, he wouldn’t need to do that, would he?”

“It seems like the doctor had decided to leave altogether,” the anchor said, “He could have gone to another part of the country, or another country, or worse off…”

 

_...no._

_Kawara-sensei can’t be dead._

_He’s not someone to just give up and go jump off in front of the train or something. He’s much stronger than me._

_I refuse to believe that Kawara-sensei is dead._

 

Isa turned off the TV and laid down on his bed. The nurse was looking at him sympathetically –

 

_But if he is,_

_If he’s dead, then… then what am I going to do?_

 

“What?” Isa asked, “Is it time for a checkup?”

“You parents are here to see you.”

Isa remained silent as the nurse walked out of the room – a few seconds later, he could hear multiple footsteps coming in. Isa was lying with his back to his parents –

“Utsuro,” he could hear his mother call his name, “Does your head still hurt?”

 

Listening to her now made him nauseous.

These people, whom he called his family –

More than anyone, they had rejected him, treated him like he was worthless.

And yet they kept claiming that position.

 

“You’ve done it now.

“You’ve killed a perfectly innocent man who was just trying to help me.”

 

“What do you mean, Utsuro?” she asked, “He’s… he’s definitely not dead! Although the media is trying to sell it that way, he…”

“What’s so bad about letting him be my friend?” Utsuro asked – he could feel his tears rolling down his face. “He… was a perfectly good person. Now you’ve seen it yourself, haven’t you? That he’s been sincere and kind?”

Both of his parents were silent now.

“Kawara-sensei gave me this life so I can live it for myself,” Isa said, “Not… not so that you guys can control me like a broken puppet.

“I’m sick of this.”

 

Silence took over for a while.

Isa could feel the tension supposedly rising, but he felt… strangely calm.

 _I am doing the right thing_ , Isa thought to himself. _I have nothing to fear._

_...no, I have a lot to fear, actually,_

_But at least I know that this way, Kawara-sensei will be proud of me._

 ~•~

“Do you really not know where Kawara-sensei is, Nishikikouji-sensei?”

“God, I’d tell you if I know,” Tohri sighed. “But he really just… suddenly walked in one morning, packed his stuff, and left.

“But he’s not dead,” he continued. “I know that’s what you’re really afraid of, but Kawara isn’t that kind of person.”

Isa stared at Tohri for a while, and then down at his food.

 

After Isa woke up, the director of the hospital decided it would be best for Isa to remain under Tohri’s care before he was transferred to another hospital. So now, Tohri would come in everyday – it’s been a week now – and sit down to chat with Isa.

But Isa had been uncooperative.

Not in the sense that he refused treatment, but he simply couldn’t pull himself to face reality again.

 _I knew it would be like this,_ Tohri thought. _I tried to warn that guy…_

 

“...I miss Kawara-sensei.”

“You’re not the only one,” Tohri said, “If we find out anything, we’ll tell you.”

“It’s… been a week,” Isa sighed, “I mean… if someone goes missing for a week without contacting anyone…”

“Isa, he just needs time to think,” Tohri said, “It’s for his good and for your good.”

“Everything would’ve been better if he’s here,” Isa said – he could feel the anger rising in his chest. “I… I can’t be happy without him here, so… so why did he leave me? He could’ve…”

“Because he wants you to find your own happiness, is it not?”

Isa turned to look at Tohri, who was in return staring at him intently.

“Back then, you told us that you want to live not as ‘Ichijou Utsuro’, but as ‘Isa Souma’,” Tohri said, “As someone who’s independent from his family, as someone who can be happy with himself, no matter what.

“On the day, when he decided to do the surgery in absence of your father’s consent, he had said,

_“It is not your son I’m trying to save, it’s Isa.”_

“So now, you must live, Isa Souma. Don’t be plagued by memories of the past – live your life as you had wanted it. Just because Kawara isn’t here, doesn’t mean you can’t be happy.”

Tohri held Isa’s hand, and gave a gentle smile.

“Isa have a lot of friends, after all,” he said, “And Isa is such a sweet boy. Kawara would be proud of you.”

  
  
  


_“Hello, this is Nishikikouji Tohri! Sadly, my fabulous self is too busy to take your call right now, seeing the amount of calls I get from. my fangirls every day! So please leave me a beautiful, sweet message after this fabulous… beep, and I might call you back! See you, sweetheart!”_

 

“Hey, Tohri-kun, it’s me, Ryuuji. Well, hopefully this is still your number...

“Yes, I know, it’s dead in the night in Tokyo and you’re asleep, and it’s been almost a year since you heard anything from me. Well, what can I say, though, things got kind of messy for me, too…

“Oh, by the way, don’t call back to this number. This is from an internet cafe – my phone somehow can’t do international calls yet, so I figured this would do for now. When I get a permanent phone number that can do international calls, I’ll call you again so you can have it.

“I’m in London now! Exciting, huh? My friend Leone suggested I work at a research lab here because my license doesn’t allow me to practice anywhere out of Japan, so that’s what I’m doing now.  
“Did the media try to convince everyone I’m dead or something? When Leone first saw me, he said he heard somewhere that I’m dead.

“Well anyway, now you know that’s not true. Hako-chan is doing well, too.

“It’s been almost a year now… I don’t really know what to say.

“...how are you?

“Well, that’s a silly question, since you can’t even answer me right now. But do you still meet Isa-kun? Like, is he still doing the therapy and all that?

“...speaking of Isa-kun, I… haven’t really stopped thinking about him. How is he now? There’s a lot of news on his dad, but not so much on him… as if after that day, everyone just forgot about him.

“But that’s not true, right? He’s… he’s doing well, right?

“...I kind of want to see him again, but I’m not sure I can.

“You probably think I’m a coward, Tohri-kun, and I probably am one, you know? I just did this to him and then ran away, trying to avoid my responsibility. That was terrible of me…

“Anyway, are there time limits on voice messages?

“I still have to go now. So I’ll call you again sometime, yeah?

“If Isa-kun asks about me, just tell him I love him.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is one big 'i tried' and i apologize  
> also yes there was a very embarrassing mistake first time I uploaded this so i uploaded it a second time


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (all of this happens 8 years after the last chapter...)

“Kawara Ryuuji has been nominated for the Nobel Award for medicine based on the research he’d done in the subject of neuroplasticity…”

Tohri was reading the newspaper intently, with his phone set on loudspeaker next to it.

_“Oh, that sounds… a bit too cool?”_

“It is cool!” Tohri yelled at the phone – Ryuuji was on the other end, obviously. “You’re on your way to get the most prestigious gift in the field of science!

“Oh, wait, what’s this?” Tohri continued reading the newspaper, “It says you’re due to give a speech at the St. Pigeonation’s University?”

 _“Yeah… sometime around next week, I think?”_ Ryuuji said, _“But yes, I’m supposed to introduce this technology we just found, and…”_

“So you’ll be coming back?” Tohri asked, “That’s exciting! Do you have someone to arrange your hotel and transportation and all that?”

Ryuuji suddenly fell silent for a minute, and then Tohri could hear him sigh.

“I’ll do it for you.”

_“Sorry to bother you like this, Tohri-kun!”_

“You still haven’t changed at all when it comes to last-minute preparations,” Tohri sighed, “But fear not! I, Nishikikouji Tohri, your fabulous friend, will help you!”

_“Hooray! I know I can always count on you!”_

Tohri saw that the end of the article talked about the incident from eight years ago, when Ryuuji had performed surgery on Isa without his family’s consent –

He decided to not talk about it now.

_“By the way, Tohri-kun, it’s late at night here, so I’m going to bed.”_

“Wait, when exactly are you coming, and for how long? I’m going to book your hotel now.”

 _“Wait, let me check my ticket…”_ Tohri could hear the rustle of papers for a minute before Ryuuji came back. _“So my plane arrives there Monday afternoon at three, and I’m going back to London on Saturday.”_

“Any preference about where you want to live?”

_“As long as it’s not the landfill. But not anywhere too expensive, either…”_

“Alright, see you Monday,” Tohri said before hanging up.

~•~

_Now that I’m going back to Japan…_

_I wonder if anyone still remembers that incident._

_...what am I talking about, of course they do. It was way too big of an incident to be forgotten._

Ryuuji finished his glass of beer, and walked towards the window.

It was cold outside – he could feel it through the glass. The streets below were empty – it was too cold and too late in the night for anyone to be out.

_I wonder if Isa is willing to forgive me._

_I don’t know what kind of life he’s living now._

_I mean, all Tohri-kun tells me is that he’s doing just fine, and that he seems to have… forgotten._

_...should I even see him? Won’t it just remind us of the pain all over again?_

_But I miss Isa so much._

_I hope I can at least see him. He doesn’t need to talk to me or anything –_

_As long as I see that he’s happy without me, that’s good enough. I don’t need to stay with him if that’s just going to hurt him, as much as it hurts me to be away from him._

~•~

“Boy, Japan hasn’t changed at all.”

Ryuuji stepped out of the lobby of the airport to be greeted by the bright sun in the sky, the clear day, the breezy autumn air –

– and a sea of reporters.

_God, will I ever experience a normal life again… it was like this in Heathrow, too._

_Can I please just have my peaceful life again…_

Ryuuji checked his phone – Tohri had texted him ten minutes ago, that he would “be there soon”.

 _Tohri-kun is always “fashionably” late, as always,_ Ryuuji sighed internally, _I hope all these people can just disappear._

“Dr. Kawara, sir!” “Over here, sir!” “Just one question!”

“Well, I’m kind of busy here, so...”

Clearly Ryuuji had never heard of the “ignore and they will leave” school of thought.

A reporter emerged out of nowhere, and grabbed Ryuuji’s shoulder, forcing him to turn around.

“How do you feel about being back in Japan, Dr. Kawara?”

“Ah? Well, nothing, really,” Ryuuji replied sheepishly – _maybe one reporter would be fine,_ he thought. “I mean, I’m just here to give a speech…”

“You’re not planning on staying in Japan, sir?”

“Not really,” Ryuuji replied, “There are… how do I put it, too many things to leave behind in London, now.

“If you don’t mind, I’m going to…”

“Wait, doctor!” “Look over here, please!” “

_Tohri-kun, please save me!_

 

“About the case from eight years ago… are you going to resolve it?”

Ryuuji stopped walking when he heard the question.

He turned to the reporter who seemed to have asked it – a young woman, who now seemed scared because Ryuuji had suddenly stopped and focused on her.

“...do you happen to know how Isa… Utsuro-kun, is doing now?”

“We… heard that he was disowned by his family,” the reporter replied, “And that he changed his legal name, but… we don’t know anything beyond that. He somehow managed to disappear from the public eye.”

“...I see.”

 

A mere few seconds later, a shiny, bright red convertible pulled up in front of Ryuuji. Its roof was open, offering everyone a glorious view of the driver –

A man with long straight blonde hair gloriously fluttering in the wind.

He was wearing a pair of sunglasses to cover his face, and holding a stick of cigarette in his hand. Ryuuji could see that there were two glasses of chilled Starbucks frappucino in the drink holders. Very classy.

“Well, it’s been eight fucking years, Kawara!” Tohri yelled as he took off his sunglasses, “I believe you need a ride to town!”

Ryuuji decided that he had no other choice if he truly wants to escape this sea of people… no matter how embarrassing his ‘ride’ is.

Ryuuji put his luggage at the baggage compartment (it was just one briefcase and one small luggage), and seated himself in the car.

“This one’s yours,” Tohri said as he handed a glass of Starbucks to Ryuuji, “Okay, you ready?”

“Yeah?” _For what?_

Tohri stepped on the gas just as Ryuuji was about to drink, and the car blasted up to what Ryuuji believed was at least 60 kmph.

“Tohri-kun, slow down! No speeding!”

“Yeeeeeeeeehaw, baby!”

 _Oh my god,_ Ryuuji thought quietly, _If I die in this trip, I want my body to be donated to the research facility so it can be used for science… Leone can take over my apartment and use it as he sees fit… All my money should be donated to Hatoful House and be used accordingly…_

 

Tohri didn’t stop at once (save for red lights) until they arrived at the hotel thirty minutes later.

Ryuuji was still biting to his straw, sweating nervously, while Tohri seemed as cool as ever.

“And here we are, at…”

“I think you just shortened my lifespan by a year or two, Tohri-kun.”

“Ah, let us not talk about something as gloomy as death!” Tohri took his coffee as he stepped out of the car, and to the baggage compartment. Ryuuji exited the car, almost toppled off for a second, and then sighed.

“This is why I like public transportation,” Ryuuji sighed, “They’re safe, reliable, on-time, and not nausea-inducing…”

“Come on, it wasn’t that bad, was it?”

“Don’t tell me you drive like that all the time, Tohri-kun,” Ryuuji sighed as he took out his stuff, “Don’t you get fined?”

“Oh, I’ve gotten a few tickets, alright.”

_That’s an even better reason to start driving more carefully!_

“Anyway, you got anything else to do today?” Tohri asked, “I mean, it’s already four in the afternoon.”

“I’ll just rest today – I might still have jet lag and all that,” Ryuuji replied as they walked in. “I’m going to visit Hitori-kun tomorrow –”

“Should I drive you there?”

“No, thank you very much.”

Ryuuji opened his briefcase as they walked, and took out a small gift-wrapped box to give to Tohri.

“A present,” Ryuuji said, “Thanks for being patient with me all these years, Tohri-kun.”

Tohri took the box with a smile.

“Well, I’m glad to have you here,” Tohri said, “But I appreciate the gift.”

“It’s a perfume,” Ryuuji said. “I couldn’t think of what to give you – I mean, finding gifts for the Hatoful kids are easy, because I can just get them a train set, but you have very, um, specific tastes.”

“So what made you give me a perfume?” Tohri smelled the box – there was a faint rose smell coming out of it. “Smells pretty good.”

“Just thought you’d like the bottle,” Ryuuji said.

For a second, Tohri thought about asking if Ryuuji had gotten Isa anything, but decided not to.

 _It’s too early to bring him up_ , Tohri thought, _and… I think Isa should speak for himself._

“You know, if you’re not too tired, wanna go out for dinner later?”

“Sounds good!”

 

Ryuuji checked in and got into his room fifteen minutes later, and quickly laid down on his bed.

It had been a long flight, and although he did sleep on the plane, he still felt… inexplicably tired.

 _I shouldn’t sleep_ , Ryuuji thought, _If I sleep now, I won’t be able to sleep later…_

_Let’s just start unpacking a little._

_...no, I’ll lie down for a little. Not sleep. Just lie down for five minutes or so, then unpack…_

 

Ryuuji ended up falling asleep anyway.

He was woken up at by the sound of his room phone ringing. Ryuuji sat up to pick it up –

“Kawara Ryuuji speaking.”

 _“Kawara-san, your friend is waiting for you,”_ the receptionist said, _“A Mr. Nishikikouji.”_

 _Is it time already?_ Ryuuji turned to look at the clock – it was six o’clock sharp. “I’ll be down there in… ten minutes.”

_“Yes, sir.”_

Ryuuji got up and decided to take a quick shower – when was the last time he showered anyway, twenty hours ago?

He finished showering in a mere five minutes, and then picked out a wine red shirt and a black vest to wear with black trousers.

_This is Tohri-kun we’re talking about here – he would fuss over me not looking good._

He took a black coat, just in case it gets colder at night, and headed out.

 

_It’s been eight years now…_

_...I wonder if he’s changed at all._

_Maybe he’d forgotten me. Maybe he’d gotten married and has children waiting at home…_

_...I don’t know._

 

Ryuuji arrived at the lobby a few minutes later, and started to scan the room to see Tohri. Tohri would probably be dressed very extravagantly, he would stick out like a disco ball in the darkness –

– but Tohri wasn’t there.

Among all the people sitting in the lobby, none of them had blonde long hair like Tohri.

 

Instead, he saw a young man with long brown hair sitting in the corner, looking down as if avoiding eye contact with anyone at all.

He was wearing a purple shirt with a beige cashmere vest, and his long hair was tidily tied with a purple bow. His clear purple eyes were hidden behind thick glasses –

 

_...it’s been so long._

 

The last time Ryuuji saw him, he was asleep in the hospital, his head wrapped with bandages.

 

“Isa-kun.”

Isa looked up upon hearing the familiar voice –

Standing in front of him was Kawara Ryuuji, in the flesh, staring at him in disbelief.

 

_It’s him..._

 

“Isa-kun,” Ryuuji called again, “My goodness. Is… is this for real?”

Isa quickly stood up.

“Kawara-sensei.”

“Isa-kun.”

Before he knew it, Isa found himself in Ryuuji’s tight embrace.

Ryuuji buried his face in Isa’s shoulder, now silent.

“Kawara-sensei…”

“Isa.”

Ryuuji’s voice was muffled, but Isa could tell he was crying – his voice was broken, and there were tears on his shirt.

“Isa,” Ryuuji sobbed, “Isa, I’ve missed you so much…”

Isa suddenly felt compelled to cry, too.

 

_For these eight years, I waited for this day._

_I wanted to see you again, and now…_

_And now you’re here, back by my side._

_I couldn’t have asked for more._

 

“Wow, god, sorry,” Ryuuji sighed as he pulled away – his face was still red, and his eyes wet. He wiped his tears with his hand, and turned to look at Isa –

“Don’t cry, Isa-kun! I’m back now, right?” Ryuuji wiped Isa’s tear with his hand, too, and smiled. Isa could feel his heart stir, seeing Ryuuji’s smile again after all these years –

“It’s been so long,” Ryuuji said, “I… I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too,” Isa muttered, “I’m… really glad you’re back.”

“Wow, you grew your hair long!” Ryuuji mussed Isa’s hair lovingly, “Last time I saw you, you were bald, you know!”

Isa only smiled sheepishly – it did take him quite a while to accept that he lost his hair.

“So the three of us are going out to dinner?” Ryuuji asked, “Where’s Tohri-kun?”

“He… he’s not coming, actually,” Isa replied. “I… just claimed to be him.”

“Why?”

“I… thought you wouldn’t come see me otherwise.”

_But now I know that’s not true._

Ryuuji only smiled as he mussed Isa’s hair again.

“Of course I’d come see you anytime,” Ryuuji said, “Well, where are we going to eat, then?”

“I reserved a place,” Isa said, “It’s not far away from here. We can walk.”

~•~

They arrived at the restaurant fifteen minutes later, and the best word Ryuuji could use to describe it was ‘fancy’ – it was a French restaurant, decorated with various impressionist paintings on the wall, and photos of Paris and its landmarks.

Isa had reserved a seat in a private room – the table was facing the window, from which they could see Tokyo at night – the colorful lights were all lit up, and he could see the lights from the cars stuck in traffic on the streets.

“Tokyo hasn’t changed all that much, huh?” Ryuuji asked, “Feels reminiscent.”

“What wine do you like, Kawara-sensei?”

“Ah, well… anything’s fine,” Ryuuji replied, “I don’t usually drink wine except in parties.”

“I’ll have the Merlot, please,” Isa told the waitress, “Please give us some time to order the food.”

“Do you come here a lot, Isa-kun?” Ryuuji asked – he noticed now, that ISa's right hand was trembling as it held the menu, “Can you recommend me anything?”

“Their foie gras is delicious,” Isa suggested, “The lamb rack is good as well.”

“I’ll just have whatever you have.”

Isa called the waitress again, ordered something Ryuuji didn’t quite know how to pronounce (he did read it was a beef dish), and then turned to Ryuuji.

“Is it okay now?” Ryuuji asked pointing at Isa's right hand, “Do you still have problems on your right side?”

“A little,” Isa replied, waving his right hand for Ryuuji to see – “I couldn’t move my right side for quite a while, but it’s fine now. Sometimes it just trembles for no reason.

“All the other doctors I went to said that’s normal, and you couldn’t have done better."

 

_...this is the part we’ve been waiting for and fearing, isn’t it?_

 

“So,” Ryuuji began, “How have you been?”

“I’m fine,” Isa replied, “I’m still studying to be a neurologist.”

Isa shyly looked up at Ryuuji, who was looking at him proudly.

“Because of me?” Ryuuji asked sheepishly, “This’ll probably sound… arrogant, but I’m happy, if that’s the case.”

“I just thought that if I become the best neurologist in Japan, you’ll perhaps notice my achievements,” Isa explained. “And that way, we can meet again. But turns out none of that was necessary after all.”

Ryuuji was looking at Isa now, his expression a mix of astonishment and happiness. He then nervously cleared his throat – Isa could see that he was blushing.

“Well, if I’d known, I would’ve waited until you actually become Japan’s best neurologist…”

“No, I’m really glad you’re back.”

“How are your parents?” Ryuuji asked, and he could see Isa’s expression darkened a little – “Well, if you don’t mind telling me, that is.”

“I’ve stopped contacting them two years ago, since I changed my name to Isa Souma,” Isa replied. “My dad… didn’t get reelected, and I think that was because his opponents kept using my case… our case, against him.

“But I think he realized, to some extent, what his mistakes are.”

“...I see.”

“I did go home for a while before I started college,” Isa continued. “The atmosphere at home was somehow… choking. My parents were too scared to talk to me, and I didn’t do anything except cry in my room and cry myself to sleep.

“After all, everyone then, except for Nishikikouji-sensei, believed you’d gone somewhere and killed yourself. You went against my father, the most powerful man in Japan at the time – even if you didn’t leave, your career would’ve been doomed – it made sense that you’d kill yourself.

“And I was struggling myself, to accept the fact that you were gone.

“I was thinking, why did you keep me alive if you’re just going to leave me alone anyways?”

Ryuuji didn’t say anything –

_What good would it do for Isa to know that one time I considered killing myself now, after he’s been waiting all this time?_

_~_

 

Ryuuji could remember that day, five years ago, as he stood on the edge of the bridge, starting at the river under him.

 _If I jump_ , he thought then, _I would certainly die before I touch the waters and drown, and never be found._

_My corpse would flow down this river into the sea, never to be found again._

_Nobody would mourn for me, right?_

_Perhaps Isa had even forgotten all about it now. He might not want to see me again._

 

_If I jump, I would never have to think about him again. I would never have to think about the pain I caused him, the guilt I still felt that day._

_Isa is happy now, somewhere without me._

_Going back to meet him will just hurt both of us. So…_

_So perhaps it is best for me to die right here, right now._

_~_

_What had stopped me from jumping then?_

Until this day, Ryuuji had no idea.

But he did get off the bridge, went home, fed his cat, and went to sleep.

_And now here I am, with Isa-kun again…_

_...perhaps it was good that I hadn’t jumped._

 

“On that day, why did you save me, knowing it would only cause you more problems?”

“...I wonder why.”

Ryuuji looked down at his hands as his mind wandered to that day –

 

_“Ichijou Utsuro was found collapsed on the sidewalk.”_

_It felt like the whole world had stopped, and the sky had fallen, and crushed Ryuuji._

 

_If Isa had died, I wouldn’t be seeing him today._

_I would, perhaps, have nothing to stop me from jumping that day._

_Both of us wouldn’t be here._

 

“I just thought that… I can’t just stand there and do nothing if I can keep you alive.

“I simply can’t imagine a world without you. I thought… I thought that if you’re no longer here, I’d rather die.”

 

_Perhaps Tohri-kun was right after all, when he said that I’m actually a very lonely man._

_That’s probably why I became so protective of Isa in the first place – because I had nobody else to love._

_That day, all I could think about was that I would never forgive myself if I didn’t do anything to save Isa –_

_– and then I spent eight years, trying to think if I had really saved him._

_Everyone kept saying that I’m a hero, that I saved him, but in my eyes, and perhaps in his eyes, I was never one._

_Despite everything, I am simply a selfish man._

 

“That day, perhaps it was not you who I tried to save, but myself… but have I really? Did my actions save anyone, at the end?”

Ryuuji turned to look at Isa, his eyes glimmering with tears.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I’ve been selfish, haven’t I?

“I kept you alive simply because I was afraid to let you die, and you had to suffer through your family’s abuse. At least if I’d been here, I could’ve helped, but…

“But I… ran away, because I was afraid to take responsibility for what I’ve done. I was such a coward.”

 

“...stop it, Kawara-sensei.”

Isa leaned over, taking Ryuuji’s hand in his.

“I know you saved me,” he said, resolute – “Thanks to you, Isa Souma is still alive.”

 

_If I had died then, Isa Souma would never have been born._

_The one who would have died would be Ichijou Utsuro._

_But now that Kawara-sensei had saved me, Isa Souma, I can meet him again._

_I can finally be at peace with myself._

 

“...is that so?”

Ryuuji smiled as he gave Isa’s hand a firm squeeze.

“I’m glad, then,” he said, “Now I can be at peace, knowing I did the right thing.”

 

Right around then, a waiter walked in, carrying the bottle of wine Isa had ordered – he poured each of them half a glass, and then bowed down and left the room. 

“Let’s have a toast first,” Isa said as he lifted the glass. “Since you’ve returned here, at last. Cheers.”

Ryuuji raised his glass, and carefully clinked it against Isa’s – “Cheers.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it for the main story  
> so i will have an epilogue after this... just sort of an 'aftermath' chapter  
> thank you for being patient with me everyone it has been a very fun, wild ride and once again THANK YOU FOR READING, MY DARLINGS just an epilogue to come!!!


	19. Chapter 19

“You can come in, Isa-kun, don’t worry!”

Isa looked around the hotel room, and then reluctantly walked in and closed the door behind him.

After their dinner, Ryuuji had told him that he brought him a present – only that Ryuuji had left it in his hotel room because he expected to meet Tohri.

The hotel room wasn’t too big, but it was enough for both of them. The bed was queen-sized, certainly enough for two people –

_...are we also… going to do the thing?_

“You can sit wherever you want,” Ryuuji said as he bent over to open his luggage – Isa tried very, very hard to not stare at Ryuuji’s shapely ass, wrapped by the tight-fitting trousers.

“Isa-kun?”

_Ah… was I staring?_

“I… um, I’m sorry.” Isa sat down on the bed averting his gaze to the painting of a bird on the wall, “Go ahead, Kawara-sensei.”

_But being in a hotel room alone with Kawara-sensei for a night…_

_...no, this is perfectly normal. I mean, I stayed at his apartment for one night back then, too..._

Isa nervously shook his head.

_Yeah, perfectly normal. Nothing’s going to happen. I’ll just take the gift, and leave._

Ryuuji took out a small red box from the luggage, and put it in his shirt pocket. He sat down next to Isa on the bed, and wrapped his arm around Isa’s waist – Ryuuji could feel Isa tighten up upon being touched.

“You were staring at my ass, weren’t you?”

“Eh? Ah? Uh…” Isa shook his head again, “No, definitely not, sensei.”

“That’s fine,” Ryuuji said with a smile, “I mean, you’re all grown up now – it’s normal to think about those things. But don’t stare at people’s butts so blatantly… you might get slapped, you know?”

“No, Kawara-sensei, I...” Isa looked down at his hands – his face now burning red with embarrassment, “I… I don’t usually stare at butts. It’s…”

Ryuuji only smiled as he lifted Isa’s face with his hand and turned it so they were facing each other – 

He then placed a gentle kiss on Isa’s lips.

Isa froze immediately, at loss as to what to do – but Ryuuji felt so warm and soft, so tender – Isa couldn’t help but kiss back.

“You know, if you’re not too busy…” Ryuuji pushed Isa down so he laid on the bed, and Ryuuji started unbuttoning his vest. “Why don’t you stay here for the night?”

Isa only watched quietly as Ryuuji took off the vest, tossed it to the floor, and then unbuttoned the top button of his shirt.

Something about the way Ryuuji strips was making Isa’s heart flutter in a strange way – Isa wanted to just get up and peel off all of Ryuuji’s clothes right then and there, and make love to him.

_We didn’t do anything like that the last time we had a sleepover, though…_

_...but that was eight years ago. Maybe it’ll happen this time._

Ryuuji laid down on the bed, next to Isa – he was now holding a small red box for Isa to see.

“Your present,” Ryuuji told him proudly. “I hope you’ll like it.”

“Is it a ring?” Isa asked, “Are you trying to ask my hand for marriage in a subtle way?”

“...is it not subtle enough?”

“Not really.”

Isa took the box from Ryuuji’s hand, and opened it to find two rings inside. They were just simple, silver rings, without any fancy embellishments or markings. Ryuuji took one and put it on his ring finger, and Isa did the same.

“This way we won’t lose each other again,” Ryuuji said with a smile – Isa nod in agreement to those words.

“You know I’ll always go with you wherever you go, Kawara-sensei,” Isa replied. “I’ll always be happy as long as you’re by my side.”

“Me too.”

 

Ryuuji stared into Isa’s eyes longingly, and then smiled and held Isa closer to his body.

“I love you, Isa.”

“...I love you too, Kawara-sensei.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (what happened after that chicken) use your imagination  
> thanks for again being patient and reading all the way!! happy new year everyone i will continue to sin


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